Sometimes i have time to think,not often i do admit,visiting times,house changes all keep me busy,and then it hits me,the reality.Colin is well,dare I say,no infections ,no skin problems,but that can change in minutes.His breathing was laboured last night,nursing staff intervened,chest physio,nebulisers,we are in our bubble,,but what when he comes home,,what would I do.I must carry a little orange pill at all times,this is to be taken in the emergency condition of autonomic dislifrexia,,,only in spinal patients and obviously i havent spelt it properly.Me in charge of a potentialy life saving pill,,are they having a laugh.I can hardly remember my house keys.Im scared,responsibility, I cant do this,Im useless,even when the children were ill,,well lets just say they survived,but maybe only just.I could cope with Calpol but this is serious.And i dont do serious,Knowing my luck the orange pill will be required and out of my bag i will pull a HALLIBORANGE,,,Im not responsible enough,,I wouldnt want me to look after me.
Then I talk to family and friends and little things hit home,,talk of planned holidays,trips and events,things colin and i have talked about for the future.Things that now will never happen and it chokes.Weve had our moments,dream holidays,sun filled days but life has changed,our days will be full of regimented timings,carers and unknowns,,,But Colin will be home and I will be there clutching that orange pill with all my might,God help him ...........................
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you are stronger than you think mum, look how far you have come and look how far dad has come. you always do the right thing in the moment, if it had been up to me we might still be in dubai airport! you are not alone xxx
ReplyDeleteby the way, hilaruous account of our holiday, loved it! xxx
ReplyDeleteCharlotte mum said she had seen you at the gyle doing picnic prep. i hope you had a good day at st andrews.
ReplyDeleteI pray for you lots and i am constantly amazed at how together you are under the circumstances. i consider myself a little haphazard to say the least. second son max a great example. on monday he broke his sarm so he is in plaster then today he escaped and went down the drive and thank goodness a responsible mother was at the bottom before he made a foray onto the a71. my heart was all over the shop. i couldnt believe it. you will definately cope- you have managed to bring up 3 amazing girls and they are all perfect. i can only hope that max and fred emerge the other side of childhood in one piece.there is alot of time for it to all go wrong... thinking of you always.