sometimes i just forget

sunday was a strange day,,anne and keir,,colins sister and nephew went to visit,,he was amused with the tales of life in the gowan home and pleased to have them there,annes husband dougie has not been great but seems to be on the up,,thank goodness,,louise and james also popped in to see colin so he was a very popular guy this week.My brothers turned into pickfords,,well i couldnt move the units,,and they are men and so i called on their help,,what a relief,goodness knows what i would have done without them,so units moved,,ignoring dust,,i have help coming this week it is too horrendous to contemplate on my own,,i decided to head to straiton retail park,,not the best of ideas on a sunday but it had to be done.Im snowed under with work in the next few weeks and i want our new master suite to be finished,so i braved the crowds and headed in to my familiar haunts,laura ashley,tx max and dunelm to look at bedding.All good untill on the hunt for a mirror,,large over ornate thing to go in colins en suite,,never one to be subtle,,no the bigger and brasher the better,,i hummed and hawed,,was it too big,,would i be able to fit it in my mini,,probably not,,well id get Colin to pick it up,,,,and then it hit me,,my Colin ,my best friend and my man,,would never pick it up,,and i nearly had a nervous breakdown there and then,,ok so maybe not a nervous breakdown but i definatly wanted to scream,,its the silly things like that ,that bring you to your knees,,the normal things,,taking out the buckets,paying the bills ,,seeing couples in ,marks and spencers,,seeing couples going off on holiday,,thats when you know your life has changed..anyway think i will go back tomorrow and buy that bloody mirror and drag it into the car and everytime i look at it i will thank god that colin is still here and also probably curse him every sunday night as i drag those darn buckets out,,oh well im only human after all ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

the godfather

i have just woken in a panic,,my bed feels very very warm,,im sure i had popped to the loo before retiring,,so of course my next logical thought was that i had offended one of my many gangster friends and that the ultimate price had been paid,,a horses head was indeed beneath those sheets...it was not an easy search but no head was found,,just a silly old mare,,me,,,who had flipped the electric blanket switch in error,,peace restored,,,now im here thinking how they would have managed to get that head in and under that chaps downie without him noticing,,but as my colin would say,,for goodnees sake charlotte its only a film,,,,,,,,

i know things are bad when im actualy watching the eurovision

yes my friend here i am surrounded by a mish mash of furniture,,drawing room dining room and just general rubbish,,with a cup of tea,,having eaten a whole bag of chocolate eclairs,,not long back from glasgow,,it was a weird day,,colin struggling with the ,,get up,,it takes so much out of them,,so i made him watch the michael mcintyre video,im nice like that, thought it would cheer him up,,well it did me as i chortled,,no laughed through it,,colin was mildly amused but i dont think he realy sees it,,oh well,,anyway not my best visit,,but i would be awful if i felt as bad as colin feels at the moment,,i would cry and moan and make everyone elses life absaloutely miserable and i wouldnt care, hmmmm not much change there then,,

ready and waiting

Well its finished,,what i hear you ask,,colins new master ensuite,,i say...its fantastic,,,the wet room is patina bronze wall and white victotianna type loo and basin,,you know the type with the high cistern and chain,,all very tasteful,,even if i say so myself,,the flooring is now down in the bedroom,,antiqued oak,,and all is there ,,oh yes one thing missing,,colin,But he is up,fifteen minutes twice a day and then 30 and then 45 ,so you get the idea,,and his skin is checked to make sure there is no breakdown,,unlike myself who thinks she maybe having one,,breakdown that is,,between joiners and plumbers and work and the M8,,well lets just say crawled in about 2030 promptly fell asleep crawled up the stairs ,,zonk and then zonk zonk here i am at 245 am writing to you,,and where are you all,,partying i think,,up george street dancing with the young,sometimes my life is pants,,melissa is in majorca,,louise is with james dreaming of new dresses,shelley is now finished for the summer,and will be home soon,,and here i am,,,but hey i have the eurovision song contest to look forward to,,maybe life aint so bad after all,so now i have a ready house,,well just the massive clean up to do,,no rush,,well actualy no energy,,and then i will wait for Colin to come home,not long now

damn you colin you still pull my heart strings

so there we were chatting away i had been chatting to a polo chum and i was giving colin all the gossip,,it was fun and we laughed and remembered old memories,,i went to get him a drink and returned to find him staring into space,,so what you thinking about i said,,,Im playing polo in my head he said,,and so we sat for the next few minutes with tears rolling down our cheeks,,damn you colin you still get to me.

with one kiss sleeping beauty awoke

Earlies they are a killer,,or maybe im just getting too old,,who knows,,my life is just one swirling fun time,,not,,towels that was the mission today,,there i am,,tired and grumpy and wondering at what exact point my life went wrong,,i couldnt even decide between white or white or even white,,now will that be lilly white or sparkly white,,oh realy for goodness sake at one point they will be lying on the bathroom floor with my face smeared all over them,,funny that my makeup seems to slip of my face in minutes,,i know setting powder,,but then when you wash it and dry there is half your face ,,who knew,,,and so off to the SUFFERIN GENERAL,,as i walked down the corridor i could see Colin was still in bed,,oh god another day,,,he was quite chirpy considering,,we talked about his visitors from yesterday,,gaynor had come,,she was full of news fom weekend tournament,,and her trip to play polo in the south,,shes a gutsy girl,,Les as usual kept Colins spirits high with talk of business and colleages,,keeping Colins mind sharp,,and here i am,,poor thing,,me,me ,me ,moan moan moan,,supper was had,,and i just happened to lie my head down to rest my eyes,,popped Colins hand on top to cuddle and promptly fell asleep,,i had obviously bored him too as there we were ,two of us completely zonked to the world..Well the world went on about us and we were oblivious,,that was untill staff nurse woke us to administer meds.For a few minutes it was just Colin and I,,Sleeping beauty and my prince,,note to self,must write to consultant and enquire why they cannot provide double bed,,

where is bob the builder

I cant tell you what a mess the house is at the moment,,it was all systems go to get this place ready for Colin,Unfortunately his skin let him down,,but the timetable was till being adhered to so we have workman clomping around the house at all times,Shelley has escaped to aberdeen,,she says for her exam,,but she is a very sensitive wee soul and does not do mess,,so ran at the first opportunity,,to return when house is clean,I have been very bad and not cleaned since the start of the banging and drilling,,what was the point.Anyway electricians were the men of the moment this afternoon,,new sockets and lights to be hung,,but as always everything takes twice as long as you expect,and glasgow had to be put off,,i would never get there in time and Les was also visiting,,so the desicion was made to not go.Not sure what to do with myself,,obviously not cleaning,,that will happen after friday when the new floor goes down,,so lots to look forward to me and MR MUSCLE,,,

and the bubble bursts again

Colins mark is still there,,faint very faint but unfortunately still there,this is bad news,,even if it was away tomorrow and the procedure for mobilisation began it would take 18 days,,and no guarantee it wouldnt reapear,,we have been there before.So what im trying to say is that Colin cant be home for his visit next week,,he wont be up as able,,so he has to wait,,Colin as usual is taking this with dignity,,me on the other hand is depressed,narky and wanting to crawl into that corner that beckons on a regular basis into my foetal position,,I know it would make no difference,,but for a few minutes as i rocked back and forward maybe it would feel good,,all those that do this cant be so wrong.Anyway if colin can smile and be gracious maybe i can too.Shelley has returned to aberdeen,,Melissa is heading to majorca and Louise is with the lovely James and so life goes on,,we will get through the next few weeks,,and if you see me heading towards a corner and i am rocking forward and backward very slowly dont fret,,i would probably become bored and lonely quite quickly and sort myself out and head west to tell colin what a hard day i was having,,and he will smile and nod and some how things will not feel as bad as they did.

why watch a sad film when you are miserable

Well i reckon i have been a bad daughter wife mother and friend, there i have said it,,i have just watched,,my sisters keeper,,,and i only cried twice,,,so it proves it,,i am bad,,surely i must be as every one else i know sobbed from beginning to end,,i didint,,it proves my theory i must be a bad person,,i didnt get it,,i cried when they went to the beach,,i cried when she showed her mum the book,,i thought how cameron diaz managed to put her makeup on every day no matter what,,i wondered how the lawyer guy was allowed to drive his fancy bentley when he was an epeletic,,i thought about the massive piece of madeira cake i was going to eat once the film finished,,i thought i would never interfere with my childrens lives aqgain,,ok maybe thats not quite true but i reckon i should at least try,,,and i thought about why they didnt choose a prettier child to die,,so there it proves it i am a bad person,so the madeira cake is gone,i am sitting here thinking how to fix shelleys latest trauma,,i am just thinking,,its been a funny old few days,,lovely wedding tired saturday,nopolo lots of calories,,good friends and fabulous girls,,so life isnt that bad,,colin and i have done alright,so maybe im not as bad as i think,,,,,oh no i am,,too prove it,,two old ladies sitting on a park bench,,mavis turned to ethel and said,,you know my husbands an angel and ethel said,,your lucky mines still breathing,,,......you see i am bad x

sunshine and tears

the lovely Melissa headed west today,,she is off to majorca on wednesday,,so wanted to spend as much time with colin as possible,,I was working so headed home after to a house full of dust and muck,,realy the men were so good but nowhere is safe from the stour that comes with DIY,,Our good friends douglas and lesley came round and we turned in to Pickfords,,massive units tables and the rest were manouvered with great care into the drawing room,,so Colins bedroom will finaly take shape as new flooring goes down.At last as the dust begins to settle colins new habitat comes to life.And life goes on and the sun shines one of the warmest weekend this year,,or in fact for many years and Colin hasnt been outside,,not once,,confinde to bed,,but smiling and not complaining,,never.I have just been on my face book and looked at karina bowlbys remarkable polo pictures from the tournament in Dalmahoy this weekend,They were fabulous showing all the excitement and fun and passion that comes with the sport.Tears rolled down my face,,i dont know why,,I was tired from work,,i am tired from the late night at Jennys wedding,,im just tired and i so wanted to take Colin to Dalmahoy this weekend,,i so wanted him to feel the passion and exhilaration and be included.But he will be there soon,,and that is not negotiable.

the day after the night before,,

late night early mornings dont mix,,eight o clock doorbell went,,the gardener,,do they never sleep,,anyway i am going to camouflage this ramp with ivey and clematis,,its such an ugly looking thing but by the time im finished it will be amazing that it might be used in films,,romeo romeo,,where fore art thou romeo..ah yes this ramp has suddenly become my balcony,,so off i went to arrange flooring for the new bedroom,job done,,popped into see the polo gang at dalmahoy,,it was so hot and sunny and was perfect picnic weather,,this weekend was going to be our first trip out and then colin became unwell,,anyway loads of old faces fiv minute chat and headed west,I think colin was a lot better today,,more colour in his cheeks and he was more animated,,lots of chat about jens wedding and the paper was read and all in all a pleasant afternoon,,i headed home quite happy that he was on the mend.i dropped in on my friend isla,,and loads of chat about the splendid wedding yesterday,,it was a lovely balmy evening and time passed quickly as we discussed the young at the wedding and all the flirtations and fun that goes on at such events,,Ah well one daughter down,,and on my side one,,so between us only another three to go,,will we survive

we won ,,we won ,we won

I cant tell you how happy i am ,,just home and there is a message to say that the problem with the care plan has been sorted,,it was a monumental problem that might have been a great stumbling block to colins return,,but thank goodness the council saw sense and now all will be in place,,i am real,realy relieved,,,,i missed Colin today,,i was at the wedding of one of very bestest friends daughters wedding,,it was a wonderful day,,the sun shone and shelley and i headed to cramond kirk,,Jenny married her long time beau,,iain,,all were booted and kilted,,well trews actualy,,and the bride wore an amazing ian stuart gown,,all sparkly and very very jenny,,she indeed was a princess,,Isla wore the same designer and looked far too young to be mother of the bride,,never mind a granny to the gorgeous Max.. Sally little sister was fabulous in a pale mocha colour,,we headed back to the George for the reception and after sumptuous canapise sat down to one of the nicest wedding feasts i have had,,and then the dancing and young sally and shelley moved in for the kill,,no young man was safe,,they batted their eyelashes and had the most wonderful time.So at about 1.30 i headed home and as we speak shelley and sally are strutting there stuff in george street,,look out boys these two mean business,,well this old woman is now going to sleep,,

Sunshine and ice lollies...

Today it was 25 degrees outside in Glasgow.A beautiful day for a wedding. And that was exactly where Mum and Shelley where today. So off down the M8 I went...thank goodness for Air Con! But in the ward it was more like 30! The heating was jammed on and everyone was sweltering!
Dad was in good spirits although he was a little bit breathless. He listened patiently to all of my stories even though he was a little bit tired!
After a light dinner and the application of cold compresses, I decided that the only thing that I could do that would be even the slightest bit useful in bringing the heat down would be to buy ice lollies!
So off I went to a bustling asda to buy a box for Dad and the others on his ward (oh and Eddie)! Everyone was much happier after that! Calypo ice lollies at least momentarily put smiles on the faces of all...and most importantly the face of my Dad.

hubble bubble toil and trouble

I attended a witches coven yesterday,,seriously,,well maybe not,,but it felt like it,,a dreaded social workers meeting,,Charlie came with me,,thankgoodness,,he was there to grab me by the ankles in case i lunged at them across the desk and had them by the throat,,well you will be proud of me my friends,,i stayed calm and under control,,it was an effort but i pulled it off.An hour of them patting themselves on the back at how well they have done,,yet the care plan has one major flaw,,hmmm,,anyway it is with the head of the social works,and we should have an answer soon,,it better be a yes,,i will spare you all the details but lets say if the answer is no Charlie better bring some reinforcemants, Shelley and i headed west,,the dreaded walk into the ward awaited,how will Colin be today,,well he seemed a lot better,,maybe it was the fact Shelley was there,,who can tell,,mark is going but slowly and you can not hurry these things,,and his chest was clear,,so all in all he seems to be on the way up,We chatted and eat and shelley sorted out his dvds,,cant beleive the number of box sets he has gone through,,les and others have been great at lending,but im beginning to run out,,why are men so difficult,Im sure he wouldlove sex in the city or desperate housewive,,but he wont even give them a chance.I was hoping to have him out this weekend to the Edinburgh polo tournament but its not to be,,but there will be others,,it looks like the weather will be good this weekend and i will take him out,his bed is on castors,,so the terrace awaits,,and if we realy get bored they might even see this small female pushing a hospital bed down Govan high street,,well desperate measures.

will this nightmare ever end

Colin is no better today,,his mood is low,,ok he doesnt say but i know,,it will pick up but hes in pain and with no gym and no up time he has a lot of time to think,,i probably dont help im tired,,another early shift,,another day when you find out who your real colleagues are,,and with problems about to start in the return care for Colin i will say im slightly tense.Colin worries that he is not there to take on these problems,,but he is there and he does help and he does give us support.And for those who tittle tattle and try and cause upset and strife in peoples lives Colin would always have the right thing to say to them.I only wish i was strong as him,,i only wish i didnt take all the stupid trivial things to heart,,as he says,,is it something you can change,,if the answer is no,,then move on,,,,,And yes Louise,I knew it was macbeth,,i know one or two witches so realy would i forget,,it must have been a slip of a digit,,and amanda im sorry i have read the text and then promtly left mobile at work,,its as if i have left my whole world,,anyway thankyou and realy things are fine,,,hope to see you soon,,and tell Jeff to score a goal for Colin,xAnyway this day is coming to an end,,and to be honest im glad,,too stressful,harrasment and people showing their true colours,,but as Colin would say ,,can i change it ,,,no then i will move on x

hmmm,,what can i say

Colin is still in bed,,the mark is still there but no worse,,so i hope it will now fade,,Colins chest is not as bad but his mood is low,,no one would know but i know,,as i spoke to him sometimes he just stared at that blinking tile on the ceiling,,how many times as he looked at that damn spot,,out damn spot,,hamlet (oh wait...Macbeth),,knew i was cultured,,but we will get through this and he will have something nicer to look at,,its time just time.I also have an appointment with the Devil wears primark,,on thursday i am gearing myself up to a difficult time,,they are not very supportive and we need to manouvere to get the best for Colin,,he deserves it and I need help I can not do this on my own,,but i am not on my own,I have Colin and they forget he negotiates,,it is thing he is calmer and wiser than me i will get him to tutor me,,I need to get this right its not a game its our life.

shit shit shit and double shit

Colin not well at all today,I had dreaded going in,,louise and i headed west after my early shift,,it was not a bad shift,,volcanic ash and the cancellation of early flights saw to that.As we entered the ward i saw Colin had a visitor,,Johnathan from the edinburgh polo club,,who had many tales of the new season and all the goings on in the land of Jilly Cooper,,I was delighted to see him and he chatted on and brought me up to date.But i could see Colin was struggling his breath laboured he was flushed and obviously very uncomfortable,,i asked the nurses to do some tests,temp ect,,at this point Johnathan went off to battle his way east across rush hour m8 traffic,,Colins chest needed a nebuliser,,a turn was done,,but he was still not right,,at this point les and sandra arrived,,les having just been on a sailoing weekend was full of news and sailing stories but i knew colin could not concentrate,,les has known Colin for years and so seeing his distress did not stay long.More tests more turns more medication,,this was a tough day,,he never moans but i know,,he hates this,,he hates the fact his body is managed by so many people,but we need it,we need them and so life must go on,Louise and i were both crying as we left Colin in the unit,,i dont know if i was crying for me or Colin,,i am so tired and worried and lOUISE hates to see her dad so vunerable,,But tomorrow we will start all over again,,and the next day and the next.

my girls are amazing

I forgot to say that Melissa shared the hell that was today,,she drove and stood by her dad,,and helped keep me sane,,i forget sometimes its not just my life that has changed,,ME ME ME as colin would say,,but my families,,and they are amazing,and thats why it will all be alright in the end,

shit shit shit

I just knew it,,i knew he wasnt well but i didnt expect this,,Colin has a mark,,the worst possible thing to happen,,it looks like a burn you might get with an iron about 2 inches long,he was in bed when we arrived and my heart just sank,,you dont want to hear those words,,he has a mark,,it may fade,,the best possible result,,or it may blister and the skin breakdown,,that you dont want.This can set you back from anything from 2 days to weeks to months,,you just dont know,,you just have to keep the pressure of and wait and hope,Colin is in a lot of pain,,more due to the akward position he is in.I am freaking out,,i tried to help make him more comfortable,,he needs me to adjust his leg position,,but i can hardly move them,,i want to run away,,I cant do this,,twice in the hours between 1 and 8 when we left he had to be turned,,the first took 2 nurses,,and the second 3,,what will i do at home when there is only the two of,,this can not be done,, the reality of home,,my version the walton family one,,Colin and i in the garden sun shining,,not too hot,,pot of earl grey,,homemade scones and jam,,colin reading the times,,me the tatler,,and then the reality me in foetal position rocking back and forward,,colin deterioating by the second due to lack of care from me,,so suddenly the waltons becomes the chain saw massacre,,,,ok im tired depressed and prone to exageration,,but somewhere in the middle would work,,ok so i cant bake scones,,i hate earl grey and the grass is so high i will have to rent a herd of sheep to find colin in it in the first place,,but im not too far of the mark,and apart from Colin being trying to mend this mark im sure hes lying there wondering how on earth we ,,no let me rephrase that,he will survive the return to Broomhilld farmhouse,,God bless us all x

bad bad day

i knew the minute i walked into the unit colin was not well,,it was nothing specific,,just you know.anyway we followed our normal saturday regime,,lunch saturday papers..but things were sloweR than normal,,colin was not concentrating as he should.we chatted,i told him the latest episode in my traumatic life,,my blood pressure was rising, but i wasnt happy,,nurse was called and blood pressure heart ect was monitored.Blood pressure was very low,,thank god,,i hate to make a fuss,,and knowing my instincts were not as bad as i fear,,anyway the nursing staff took over and a while later things returned to nearly normal,,but colin was exhausted and so took to his bed.It was not a good day,,made both of us quite low,,he has being doing so well but today took its toll,,i then worry ,what would i do at home on our own,,it keeps me awake at night,,how will i cope,, and then i take a reality check,,WE will cope colin is there and he will help .The nonsense in other parts of my life,well who cares,i dont care what people say or think,they are of no importance to me,,i have important things to worry about,,my girls my family my real friends these are important,,well you just have to put up with insignificants as well in your life,,normaly you just rise above it but sometimes they play dirty and pull you into their game,,but when you stand back,,as colin tells me,,and look,,look properly you should laugh as they are nothings.

how many men does it take to fit a sink

Keys were left in a very safe place,,if i tell you i might be burgled,,and at 8 this morning a squad let themselves in,,2 plumbers 2 electricians,,a project manager,,was i there in my emma bridgewater pinny,with freshly brewed coffee and croisants,,was i he99..oops heck as like no i was in my bed,,feeling rather sorry for myself,,it had been a bizzare night,,nightmares and bogey men had filled my head,,i had hardly slept and then when i finaly thought i could catch a few winks,,auf weiderstein turned up,i could hear them bang crash wallop,,and that was only the turning of the sun newspapers pages,,real radio blaring,,have they never heard of radio 4,,or at least radio 2,,and the constant ringing of their mobiles as they walk away from MY job to discuss world events,,, i hid further into the downie maintaing my now famous foetal position and decided if i was realy quiet i could maybe stay there untill at least lunch,,but no was that dullcit tone screeching up the stairs realy for me,,HEY MRS MITCHELL YOU UP THERE,,god almighty i thought at one stage he was coming to find out,,so there i was in best dressing gown,,well only realy, bounding down the stairs,,with my best Auddrey from ,to the manor born voice,,yes young man may i help you,,its just do you know youve got a split pipe mrs,,i felt my knees go ,more expence,,OH REALY PRAY DO SHOW,,and there it was, a split right down the big pipe as he so rightly said,,aagh i said trying to sound knowingly,,you cant let them see your fear or the price goes up,,well my good man what shall we do about this,,he was eyeing me strangely at this stage,,i know my dressing gown isnt Dior or even Gucci but it is big and comfy and is Colins and i like wearing it, it keeps me safe.he prattled on about u bends and pipes and the rest and i ooed and aaahhed and said,,well carry on then and retired to the kitchen to make a cup of tea,,passing the mirror i looked up to see this strange woman with bed head hair with two sets of glasses perched on her head,,two ,god almighty i must have fallen asleep with one pair on and when i ran down to see him had grabbed another pair and plonked them on my bonk too,,no wonder i was being given funny looks,,oh well it might start a trend,,the nearly demented housewife look,,actualy i think it looked quite fetching and on pouring tea wandered back passed them with nose in the air with my two specs proudly in my hair,,,

and reality returns

Bad day,,some would say bad life,,but no,,late shift was once again dealt with and survived,,so much less work than an early ,but so hard.Hard i hear you say,,yes hard as i know that Colin would be on his own,,i cant do a late and visit,,impossible,,the girls work to late to make it through to their dad,,and friends and family,,well,life goes on,,and reality and life intervene and you have to make desicions,,so lates are done,,i dont moan,,who would care,,but my mind is in edensahll ward with my man,,i hope he can feel me i am there,,,i dont sleep and if i do nightmares come,reffer to previous blog,,the guilt,,i wish i was one of those lucky people that just rail road through life,,without a care for anyone but themselves,,but i see them i know them,,they are on their own and lonely,,but i have family I care and so i will never stop having nightmares,,never stop caring and will always be hurt.This is reality,,so Colin i am sorry,we will be there today ,tomorrow and forever,,but somedays i have no choice,

nightmares,dreams,reality,fact,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

super heroes stand down,,no further action to be taken,,,,,,,,,what who will save the world,,,the world as we know it,,,,,call super heroe union,,,call jeremy kyle,,,willis , die hard with a vengeance,,the truth is out there,to the batmobile robin,,schwarzenegger standby,,the terminator will have his judgment day,,the truth is out there,,superman,,remove your underpants from on top of those natural tights,,the truth is out there,,do not save the world today,,no further action has been advised. Scoobydoo where are you,,James Dean ,flying machine, pigs will fly ,hell freezes over,,valium induced days,,mogodon induced nights,,reality dreams nightmare,,who knows,,sticks and stones,,,,1301,6 minutes 50 seconds,,sign this copy that,,apply for this apply for that,,permision will be given,,to apply,,to breathe, to live,,desirable but not essential,,drugs alchahol,,your time will come,,work hard,,lips tight,,dont let the bed bugs bite,,nightmares ,dreams, reality, fact sign nothing speak to no one,dont let them in,,your heads to full,,dealt with on the day, no way,,permission permission,big brother is watching you,,,,shhh sleep will come ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

it survived

Last year for my birthday Colin gave me an ipod,,as im a very old lady who still remembers vinyll this blows my mind,,its so small and thin and holds all the music i love and play over and over again,,I loved it,it makes you feel that YOU too can sing and proves you oh so wrong as you accompany the likes of Celine Dione, Barbara and the rest.It was worn everywhere and my tuneless voice was too,,oh so embarrasing,,but the best part of it was in bed,,,what you say,,yes bed,,Colins habit was to read at least a couple of pages of what ever novel he had on the go,,a habit that drove me crazy,,if you like it read it,,dont put it down,,hence the reason i only read about two books a year,,,so there id be and every night id say,,i will sing to you which hed smile ,,or was it grimace,,no im sure it was smile and id serenade him with my partner of choice of that evening,,,but that all came to an abrupt end on sunday sept 13th 2009,,not only was that the last morning of the night before but it was the last time i saw my ipod,,left behind in the cab of our lorry as Colin was whisked of to intensive care,fighting so hard for his life and the start of this long journey..It has sat in yet another wicker basket through rain and snow and i realy thought it had not survived,,So this evening when i returned from Glasgow and found the above wicker basket and my beloved ipod i knew my night was doomed,,and although Colin is not here yet i have sung every song,,practised with tears running down my face,,in the knowledge that in the not too distant future Colin will be home and once again he will grimace as i treat him to a concert,,,So thank you Annie Douglas for rescuing it and Im sure when Colin is back and at the polo he will thank you too,,well at least i think he will x

move over and let me sleep

Colin and i were both tired today,,dont ask me why,,hmm maybe to do with the second early,me,sleepless nights and gym,,colin,and just generaly life,.May and at 4am this morning there i was braving a snow storm,,yes snow,,i knew this was not going to be a good day,,but there again it wasnt as bad as the inbound passengers from corfu who had just arrived,some still in shorts,,,,,,,,anyway early shift was done,lets not talk about the 8 hours ,,best forgotten,,and 1301 reached,,TTFN,,,,,supermarket was done in record time,,ok it was marks and spencers,,but Melissa gives me a row if she thinks im there,,have to wean myself off,,but its for Colin and hes worth it,,and i am partial to a few treats.Shared stories and had giggle with young Eddie and his mum,,sat in sun for a while,,where did that snow go,,and Colin nearly choked on one of his pills,,was not a good few minutes..no amount of water would shift it,,i made him eat bread,,im sure thats what mum used to do,,and eventualy it started to melt,,yuk,,see i told you i wasnt resposible,,it could have been a lot worse,,,and to think I had just bought him a present,,,,aaaah i can hear you say,what could it be,,a ferrari,,a new ocean going yacht opposed to his old one,eh,,,anyway no much better,,a blood pressure machine,,aagh you say,,yes its recommended to have one in case that,,you know the orange pill syndrome raises its ugly head,,check blood pressure,,migraine type headache,,poss red blotches,,,see sometimes I do listen,,,anyway i thought dont have an emergency choking session ,,and i havent got a choking machine,,i have a blood pressure machine,,i knew it im not resposible enough for this responsibility,,,well you know what i mean,,,,oh god,well if you ever need a blood pressure machine,im your girl,,but dont ask me to do the heimlich maneuver,, seriously dont,,you will regret it.

1259,1300,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,1301

Good day today,,well at least at 1301,,,no i lie jeff swanson popped in to say hello ,,we sat and disecteted the politics of the polo world,,whos playing where,,what dates tournaments ect.If was a breath of fresh air,,I do miss the polo crowd,,of course i keep in touch with shirley,,anni douglas,,and the like,,but its not the same as sitting at the edge of a polo field,,sun picnics gossip and chat,,oh yes and then the horses and games,,secondary realy but how i miss it,,Jeff was pleased to receive an email from Colin wishing him a good season,,voice activated pc explained,,it tugged my heart,,even from the enclaves of the southern general,,my polo mad,,well maybe just mad,,husband was thinking of his chums from the polo.How he would want to be part of that squad,,bridles and saddles would be all over my sitting room floor,,saddle oil and mucky clothes,,how i hated that part,,saddle clothes clogging my washing machine,,Colin with his Polo ,farmers tan,,and great discussions with Shirley about the latest delicasy we were going to fill our wicker baskets with for the weekend.Talk of teams and well same chat different year,,well we will be there,,eventualy,,maybe it wont be the same,,but not for the lack of trying,I will pack the wicker basket,,and by hook or by crook i will find transport to get us there,,and then I will pray silently that Colin will settle into his new life,,and enjoy his day,,that the life he has left behind does not haunt him and make him turn his back on the game he loved playing so much,but I will wait and see,

goal plan and beyond

Colin is coming home for one night,,in about three weeks,,thats how long it takes to sort these things out,,between district nurses,,and community,,but this is great,,he will be home,,only one night,,but then a weekend and then in about 9 weeks home,,,Its scary though,,,i will be on tender hooks,,am i realy responsible for medication and keeping him healthy,,he has no chance realy,,but i will try.Im in bed,,yes i know its only 2100 but im not long home.cup of tea lap top,,how sad am i ,,i have lost track of soaps,programmes ect,,never in till too late,,so here i am talking to you,my friend,,dreading getting up to go to work tomorrow,,but thats a different skeleton in the cupboard,,trying to remember all the things i have to do,,people to ring things to order,,it has to be perfect,,well as near as ,,and lets face it Colin probably wont even notice or care,,,and thats the way it should be,,,he wont care if the white company sheets are on the bed,,the jo malone toiletries are in the wet room or if we use the emma bridgewater tea pot,,these are my department,,he will only care when we turn the key as the lights go out,,goodnight pa,goodnight ma,,goodnight jim bob,,oh damn it i m not in the waltons,,,so back to reality,i hear Matalan do realy good bed linen and as i say he will never notice,bless,,,,

thank goodness for family and friends,,real friends

Breakfast at the clock,,this has become a bit of a sunday habit,,friends and family that are around and can make it gather in this cute little cafe and share their week over tea and bacon rolls,,it grounds me,,i can chat with people that know and understand me,,they listen and dont judge,,today it was Elaine my sister in law,,Corrine one of my oldest chums and a gathering of young pretty leggy girls,,a mixture of daughters and nieces.I was comfortable chatting about life,,my problems and theirs in the knowledge that it would go no further,no one could use any of this to upset and manipulate me,,no friends and family,,they are the only ones you can realy trust.So feeling more confident that life indeed did not matter outside my inner circle i headed west to my best friend Colin,,the one i turn to with all my problems,,the one that always knows what to say and do,,not that I always like it but then I know he understands.He was good ,,not great,,just good,,we trawled the sunday papers,,he advised me on the latest trauma,we chatted about the girls.We did not go out as we thought we might,,we just werent up for it,,its a big step,,one too far at this moment,,Im too fragile and Colin will do it at his own pace.Tomorrow we have another,,goal plan meeting,,,this is important meetings,,not meetings that you have to attend that are only there to make you feel bad,,,I know sometimes i do not make sense...but i cant explain,,it would only complicate things further,,but this is meetings that change peoples lifes,,,and this is my families life and thats worth fighting for,,the rest as they say is PANTS,,

is this the middle of the night

I dont know anymore,,it seems normal to be up at this time,,ive neen to sleep,,and now im up ,,and then ill sleep,,,Im always surprised their is no one on face book,,are you all out enjoying yourself or are you in bed. I should have gone to see my chum Corrine,,i should have had a chat and a cup of tea and a giggle,,I should of but didnt,,I was too tired,,im always too tired.Colin is tired to,,bnut he has a right to be,,sometimes spasms wake him,,sometimes the snoring from other patients,,someone is always awake,,needing help,,and sometimes he is just so exhausted he sleeps.We sat in the sunshine today,,the costa del spinal,,,it was nice Colin read his paper,,i turned the pages,,we had a picnic and chatted.what he wanted to do was walk his dogs,,ride his horses,,have a run and even dare I say it cut the grass.He wanted his life back,,me too,,but wants dont get.so tomorrow he will read his paper and I will turn the pages and life will go on.We thought of escaping for a few hours,,book a taxi and go,,but where,,we sat we pondered and neither of us could think of a destination,,no malls for Colin,art galleries,,hmm not realy our thing,,but maybe,,its hard we dont know the area so we are limited in our choice,,and realy in our heart of hearts we know there is only one place we want to go and that is home,but that will come and for now we must be content and I will stop enroute to the west and buy a paper and Colin will read and I will turn the pages and time will pass

toto phones the samaritans

toto is down,,very down,,she has no idea why her life has turned out this way,,she has tried to be a good fairy,,she has paid all her taxes with fairy dust,,she has worked in the enchanted forrest and raised her young to the best of her ability,but sometimes just sometimes life becomes to much,,she feels let down,,fairies do you no harm,,they protect their families,,do not stand in their way.It would be all too easy to finish this pain,,there are many ways to stop this avalanche of hurt,,sleep,,she needs to sleep and tomorrow will be better,,,,

trouble at mill

woke this morning to not much better mood,,les text hes going to see colin tonight so at least he will have company,,i have work,,and there is a trouble brewing,,of course im too discreet to go in to details but lets say,,well lets say nothing actualy,,walls have ears,,,annie douglas phoned last night,that cheered me up,,shed phoned a few times,,but my life is chaotic,,no eastenders,coronation street,,no M8 is my life at the moment,,but it will not be this for ever,,oh by the way winter olympics have put in bid to use my ramp as the ski jump..i am contemplating this,,but with the possible closure of hillend ski centre there are a few business opportinities available to me at the moment

seen from space

the day got no better,,Colin seemed to be on a bit of a downer,,not sure why,,tried the usual,,are you tired,are you in pain,,,are you bored with me,,dont answer that but it was no to all,,so as i left my mood was not great,,i do hate when im not in control of things and Colin not playing my game made me feel bad,,he should be happy all the time,,he should be looking forward to coming home,he should make ME feel better,,but it might be just an off day,,,so as i drove into our drive and caught sight of this monsterous mechano construction i could have cried,,,what was this,,surely to god we didnt need half of george street to get into the house,,never mind the great wall of China,or the seven wonders of the world,,this will be seen from space,,,satelites will be launched to track it,,google earth is investigating as we speak,,oh well,,thats life,,but wait a few fairy lights,a vine here and there,a bit of cath kidson,,there is light at the end of this tunnell,tomorrow is another day,,and i will not let Colin feel down,,im the only one allowed to play that game,,im well practised at it,,

we have lift off

As we speak i have two hunky males,,ok i exagerate an older guy with a beany hat and his apprentice whose jeans keep falling so far down his backside that i am tempted to go and dig out some bailer twine for him,,,but they are constructing colins ramp,,this is progress,It is the most ugly thing you have ever seen,,a gray mechano construction,,but who cares it will mean colin can come home and enter his own house with ease.Also his wet room is to be started next week,,,and oh how grand it will be ,,i have gone for sort of a roman empire look with out the dancing girls,,but then maybe they could be provided at a later date.So i am winning so far,,of course my social worker,,,the devil wears primark woman,,,is trying to block many essential plans,,but the southern unit are used to this and i feel they will dig their heels in deeper than hers.this is the only two thinks being accepted by the council,,any other plans were considered,,desirable but not essential,,wait till she sees the wet room,,no bland hospital colours for me,,no ,,it will be patina bronze and deep cream ,,no pillars as yet but definatly a very rich manly atmosphere is hoped to be obtained.She of course will pass no comment ,,but their again if she did happen to like it i would panic and redo the whole thing,,to imagine my taste would be similar to this woman,,,,,,noooooo,,,,,,to much,,so the escape from the southern is started,,colin will be coming home for one night shortly,,they like to ease you in ,,,and then home,,its been a long time coming.I am as we speak trying to organise a car with wheel chair accesibilty so i can take colin to one of the polo tournaments later in the month,,definatly desirable and essential,,that is a hurdle we have to get over and we will,,note to self check all wicker baskets and picnic stuff as that day will be done in style,off now to glasgow,,via marks of course,,lets hope the new ramp takes my weight.........................

my own prince charming

Colin is well,,eldest and middle child,accompanied by Paul headed west to visit,,bank holiday no gym,,so great pampering session entailed,,news of jobs and hen night and weddings were told,,intellectual discussions,,or conversations colin and I dont have ,,were enjoyed,,the sun sone and all is all right with the world.
To all you doubting thomases,,page 18 daily mail on sunday,Prince william was indeed in st andrews this weekend,,for some wedding or other,,that Kate girl was there two,,but they were walking quite far apart in the photo,,i think things are definatly on the wane,,and im sure he must have caught sight of Shelley on his walk,,cinderella all over again,at any time i expect a glass slipper,,or in Shelleys case,,kurt geiger ,to arrive with invitation to the ball,,,what do you mean i am indeed the wicked mother,,well one could hope,,and page 20,,that Chelsea one they reckon things arent too good either,,so there is an alternative plan.
I was in edinburgh,,coffee with great chum Isla,,her daughter Jenny is to marry her own prince charming in a couple of weeks,,so more wedding chat,,love it,,such fun,,life should be full of weddings and flowers and pretty dresses and sun and friends,,perfect.
Tomorrow i head west again,,my own prince charming will be there,,our great friend Mike is to be discharged,,Bev will be waiting at home,,the great day has come,,back into the real world,,back to his family,,i wish them the greatest love and luck,,they deserve it,,and in the not too distant future,,Colin will be home,,,and life in our castle will start again,,,,,,,,,,,,,

29 years and counting

29 years ago today Colin and I were married,,it will never last,,well they,,and they know who they are,were wrong,,31 if you count our courtship,,3 children,,countless horses,dogs,birds of prey,houses,,and i have loved every minute,,well maybe not every minute but I amd the centre of Colins universe,,,anyway this anniversary was not spent in the caribean,florida,canada or one of the other romantic destinations we have been,but in the southern general glasgow,,full of chat about polo i headed west,,,he was enthralled,,how he wished he was there,,but on his neck i noticed a large red mark,,what is it so off to nurses station,,,slight panic,,bits and pieces adjusted,,it was the very earliest signs of anotomic disfrexia,,,i must learn how to spell it,,,so i felt quite good,,nurse Charlotte to the rescue..it wasnt yet an orange pill moment but if left it could have been,,oh my god where is that damn pill.

st. andrews,,,polo,,polo,,

It was the first day of summer polo,,not club polo but a student charity event,,,St. Andrews uni,,a breed unto themselves,,amazing outfits,,men in stripy blazers,,did i say men i meant boys,even one sporting a pipe,,no idea if it was lit but hey he looked the part.Oh yes your fair share of raas,,,even dare i say William was there,,you know William,,well we arent exactly on one name terms,but i did stall my range rover right in front of his the last time i was there,,was nearly an incident,,those security men were becoming slightly aggitated as this woman tried to put back in to gear as Shelley was saying ,,mum its William,,,completely ignored her as his range rover whisked off,,,WILLIAM WHO,,,Prince William mum she sneered,,,aagh another moment missed,,,oh well im sure if he met one of my girls that Kate girl would get the elbow,,oh well theres always Harry,,that Chelsea girl,,well im not too sure,

Anyway Shelley Fraser and I picknicked and enjoyed the sport,,,,, and the polo,,,old friends,,all were there,,good friends Amanda,Shirley,Fiona,Judith ,Gillian,,,Thom,james and the list goes on,,they were all there.And they all pulled me through this day,,it was hard ,Isaw the lorries and my heart pounded,,eight months and memories came back fast,,but friends pull you through.Colin would have loved it and as soon as transport is sourced he willl be there,,Life goes on and our life is good you can tell how good by the number of people that care....................

the little orange pill

Sometimes i have time to think,not often i do admit,visiting times,house changes all keep me busy,and then it hits me,the reality.Colin is well,dare I say,no infections ,no skin problems,but that can change in minutes.His breathing was laboured last night,nursing staff intervened,chest physio,nebulisers,we are in our bubble,,but what when he comes home,,what would I do.I must carry a little orange pill at all times,this is to be taken in the emergency condition of autonomic dislifrexia,,,only in spinal patients and obviously i havent spelt it properly.Me in charge of a potentialy life saving pill,,are they having a laugh.I can hardly remember my house keys.Im scared,responsibility, I cant do this,Im useless,even when the children were ill,,well lets just say they survived,but maybe only just.I could cope with Calpol but this is serious.And i dont do serious,Knowing my luck the orange pill will be required and out of my bag i will pull a HALLIBORANGE,,,Im not responsible enough,,I wouldnt want me to look after me.
Then I talk to family and friends and little things hit home,,talk of planned holidays,trips and events,things colin and i have talked about for the future.Things that now will never happen and it chokes.Weve had our moments,dream holidays,sun filled days but life has changed,our days will be full of regimented timings,carers and unknowns,,,But Colin will be home and I will be there clutching that orange pill with all my might,God help him ...........................