Part 2 of 3

The Weekend (Melissa)

As it was my graduation on Friday, we were unable to go and visit Dad. But luckily Les went to keep Dad company. He took with him Dad's newest gadget. An Amazon Kindle. An electronic reader. It can get the newspaper (and read it to you!) and books and magazines. It arrived on my doorstep so that I could set it up, but will be returned to Dad on Tuesday.

Mum went on Saturday. Dad was good, in much better spirits. The had equalized his medication, which was why he had been anxious. He had finished season one of 24 and was looking forward to the next season!

Mum returned through the wet and the fog in time for x-factor.

On Sunday, Louise and I flew down the M8 towards Glasgow. She was anxious to hear Dad's voice for the first time. We arrived, and I found him much improved from when I had seen him on Thursday. He was relaxed, chatty and smiling. He endured his way through my graduation photos and even through the video of me coming across the stage. It was great, and easier to spend lots of time with him this weekend. When you can have a 2 sided conversation, and there is no lip reading involved. Time flies when you are having fun.

The stitched bed sore is healing, his breathing is great. We just keep hoping for him to be up before Christmas.

I think the best part of today was that Dad cracked a joke! It was good to hear him laugh.

Season 2 of 24 started. Louise and I hit the road back to Edinburgh for a delicious meal at James' parents. Mum's first real meal in a long time! And it was goooood! (Thank you Jo and Rob!)

Part 1 of 3

Groundhog Day

Many of you will have seen the film, Groundhog Day. What day would you relive over and over again, so that you could change the ending?

7 minutes. The length of the last game of polo. 7 minutes. Not 7 minutes and 30 seconds. As all games are in polo. On the bell that is it over. Sunday 13th September at 6 minutes and 50 seconds. Wham. Colin's life changed. 10 seconds before the end of the game, 10 seconds before the end of the match, 10 seconds before the final bell of the season. 10 seconds. No ones fault. An accident. But what if? What id Colin had taken 11 seconds longer to tack up? Would it still have happened? What if we had taken 11 seconds longer at lunhc? 11 seconds longer driving to Dalmahoy? Would they have been in the same place at the same time.

You know what I mean, or maybe you don't? Is life pre-ordained. Would it have made any different? I don't know.

If he had worn the other hat, if he had polished his boots, if I had I said my prayers the night before. Just the thoughts that go through my head at 315 in the morning most days. What ifs.

Things you can't change. Was it written somewhere that 6 minutes and 50 seconds in that chukka, that this would happen. At 6 minutes and 49 seconds, life was good. Colin was doing something he loved. It had been the perfect Sunday. A delicious lunch with friends, laughter and much polo gossip. Stories, horses all sound, a miracle at the best of times. Wham, 6 minutes and 50 seconds.

Groundhog day.

But it is groundhog day for all at the southern general.

The young diver who had the benz, what if he had not decided to dive that day? The young driver that had rolled his car three times and wrapped himself around the tree. What if he had taken the other road. What if I hadn't gone to that party with christine 30 odd years ago, well I would not have met Colin, had three beautiful girls, a life a would not change for a 6 carat diamond.No really, I wouldn't. So no, not what ifs. Life is mapped out for us, but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish that time had just stood still at 6minutes and 49 seconds. For just a little while longer.

Thursday/ Friday

To all of you that check this daily for Colin's progress, he is doing well. Still 100% off the vent, he has had a slight infection, causing temperature, he has had his flu jabs (swine and ordinary), this may be causing him to feel lousy. But still breathing fine.

No new blog till Saturday, but just a quick update today. Melissa, Paul and I headed north to Aberdeen where Melissa was to graduate at 3pm.

Colin would have been there, bored of course, as graduations not the most riveting, but, for that 10 seconds that his wonderful daughter was on stage and crossed that hall to receive her degree, well his heart would have been bursting with pride.

I was there, but I know that he was too. I was his eyes today, but I know that he is always in my heart and so he was there with us.

Graduation

The sun shone, frosty but bright, so different from the rest of the week. Colin would have been so proud of his daughter. We all felt it was a perfect day. So now Colin has another graduate. Melissa Mitchell BEd Hons.

Life's moments

There are somethings in life you never forget. Your first kiss: David Cuthbertson, Heriots disco, well at least I think it was, maybe I should change names to protect the innocent. Your engagement day: Colin to this days swears that he can't remember asking me?! Your wedding day, and the birth of your children: how could I possibly forget (ouch!). Your eldest child's engagement and then wedding, for those of you who don't know (and why not, have I not shown you the pictures), two weeks in Barbados last Christmas. Your eldest and middle child's graduation. Oh how proud we were. All these mile stones come and go, the next bigger and better than the last..
Why, you ask is she telling us this? Well I want you all to share in my recent special moment.
Walking in Glasgow Southern, to be told that barring any problems, Colin is 100% off the vent.
YES 100%. And he will be using a speaking valve for 2 1/2 hour sessions.
So he has said to tell everyone Thank you. For their love, and wishes. He will speak to you soon.
I can't believe it. Colin hadn't read the memo, and obviously was reading the book "how to teach yourself to breath again in 11 weeks". Me, I'm still struggling with the "Atkins Diet". Never finished the first chapter. Oh well, now Colin had found his voice, maybe he will read it to me!

Monday

Weekend over. Daily visit resumed, girls all working or at uni. So I'm afraid Colin had to put up with my chat. I arrived to find Colin on good form. 22 out of 24 hours off vent. The consultant has decided to stitch Colin's pressure sore. It has decreased in size immensely in the last few weeks, but as always it is the last piece in the jigsaw, and as such, the greatest stumbling block.
So the plan is to stitch this week. The recovery time is approx. 3 or 4 week, and then hope upon hope, we will get him up. (Braehead shopping centre, here we come).
Message for Gaelle and all the others in the ICU Western General. You are a very important role in the story, and your parts are guaranteed, so start looking for your Oscars frock!

Friday, the fairies and Sunday.

"Toto has survived. I know the outcome had looked bleak, the witches tried their best, but in the magical land, away from the darkest worlds, the rest of the fairies worked their magic. Coco's wings were still not working, his injuries were different, but Toto could be saved. With every kind of word and gesture, with every show of love and friendship, slowly but surely her wings returned.
The Witches power was not able to conquer in the enclaves of the fairy world, no matter what tricks they used.
They had their spies, fairies that were slowly being cloned, non fairy- non witch. Their wings grew smaller every day, as they scuttled up and down to the top of the hill with tales of the fairy world. Tales meant to hurt their fairy colleagues. Tales meant to earn them respect from the chuckling coven. Oh how the witches lauged at them, they would never let them jon them, they would use them and laugh.
The fairies giggles, as those that scuttled up the hill were so shallow that they did not know that their trips were being monitored. They did not understand Toto, but she did not care. Toto's tales are only understood by real fairies. Non-fairies hearts are unable to comprehend this and question and tutter over the escapades of Coco and Toto. But Toto just smiles, because her world is full of love."

Friday
Shelley, no3 child, drove through from Aberdeen in the rain to home on Thursday night. I am worried about her, pale and having lost weight. Nothing that a few good meals and a dose of St Tropez will not cure. She is stressed. You forget that by trying to protect them by bundling them back to university life and nights out with their friends, these things will not take away the feeling and worries that go through their heads about their Daddy.
Friday shifts out the way, all three of us, Melissa, Shelley and I headed west. Consultants me. Great News. 16 hours off the vent, 20 tomorrow and bar any bad luck, Colin should be off the vent by the end of next week. Result! All fingers and toes crossed. This could be a reality but we need all the good luck that we can muster.
Colin was delighted to see no3 child, he worries about all his girls. He knows they are strong,a dn the Mitchells are a strong unit. Even when we bicker and argue (not too often though!) Always there for each other, and Colin and myself. We have done our job well, we have created a family. It grows bigger every year. With the inclusion of James this year, and at the end of the day that was Colin and my dream. A happy life, with family and laughter.
Job done.

Sunday
(Melissa)
Louise and I drove Mum through to Glasgow, sharing the driving in the terrible weather. Dad was looking very well today. 24 hours off the vent, soon all the machines and tubes will be gone. He was chatty to start with, but after the paper was read and the week rounded up he was tired.
He enjoyed listening to Louise's strories of the nursery. The children who had had their peg moved from the sun to the black rain cloud for bad behaviour and the the update on the nativity. There were lots of giggles. The business pages were read, and Dad was mad he missed the Rugby yesterday, but was read the sports round up. Will have to take him a laptop next time so he can watch the sports round-up!
Terrible weather, we hit the M8 again to return to the east and the x-factor. Dad returned to watching 24 season 1. 10 hours down, 14 to go.

Thursday

When is this rain going to stop? My son-in-law James, is contemplating building an ark. Papa drove me to Glasgow, 2 earlies and one more to go, certainly take their toll. Arrives to find Colin in good fettle. But tired. He was at hour 12 of a 14 hours off the vent. This is amazing. The consultant is pleased. Colin as usual counting every breath. Things are moving forward.
Good day at work. Julie G and I chatted, we had a giggle and a Heart to heart. She has been through the mill with her beautiful little girl, but she has come through, she is fighter. Then came Scott. He popped in off his flight, and within minutes had me smiling and laughing. Well, only certain people have that magic and Scott is one of them. Faye was another, but she saw sense and escaped. his love life was dissected, our lives put in order. I told him that that this blog will be picked up by a Hollywood producer and he would have to get in fast for the person (obviously a superstar) that would play him.
I will obviously be the lead, played by the amazing actress, Megan Mullally, who plays Karen in Will and Grace.
George Clooney is waiting by the phone for the part of Colin. Our Paul will be played by Brad Pitt, Melissa by Reece Witherspoon.
Wilma and Dora, the housekeepers, are hoping for "Mary Doll" and Bette Middler, the list goes on. For those wishing to be part of the movie, I suggest you step in now, before all the superstars have been taken.

Chocolate Teapots and Cheesecake.

Another early shift achieved, well if I am up at 3am I might as well go to work. Headed west, social worker waiting. Now those of you that know me are aware of my good, sweet nature, willingness to listen and compromise and willingness to be patient.
Really I am. Well ok, maybe I exaggerate but I'm trying. But chocolate teapots, one way tickets to rio, and am I actually talking chinese, all come to mind in that hour, in yet another beige room, while I was talking with Colin's social worker. I'm sure at one point or another things will magically click into place, but not today. Oh no. Walking out of the beige room I began to wonder in the Dr Surgery was still open, or in fact "the mean streets" (Taggart, for those of you who only watch BBC1) could supply me with an emergency supply of Valium.
Edenhall ward entered. Colin very agitated today. What was wrong? He appeared to be having a panic attack? Move over I thought, let me share the bed, I need medication this afternoon too!
He has had the tube in the vent reduced. A good sign. It means that we are on our way to the next level. But after 10 weeks on the vent it seems to be affecting Colin's physci.
He was really panic stricken, "whats wrong?" I said, "I'll calm down in a minute!" he replied.
It seems change is quite invasive. Trauma was caused to the trachea. No news of finger or toes today as consultant was away, breathing was taking priority this visit. Carolyn his nurse was summoned, a sedative administered, a new book started courtesy of Susan Sykes. Calm and peace was regained, by Colin anyway. Rain and water on the motorway, horrendous. Drove in tired induced coma, well ok I am exaggerating again, but not pleasant.
Melissa had friends round for dinner. Yes a grown up party, not just supper, but 3 courses and candles!
All very sophisticated, Martha Stewart and myself have worked wonders on my girls. All courses made from scratch, not a marks and spencers box in sight. Who knew?! Anyway, house full of light and candles, real fires and laughter, was I really home? So long since I remembered it like this.
Took my own sedative (in this case a slice of chocolate brownie raspberry cheesecake) before I climbed into bed, but sometimes you just have to. It was yummy.

Great news- I think? And international visitors-

Melissa and I have just arrived home from Glasgow. We are tired and slightly confused.
John and Susan Sykes flew in yesterday for the sole purpose of visiting Colin and his family.
Not a small adventure, as the flew in from Tampa, over Newark, so a long haul flight. They then braved the M8 with Les, probably more of an adventure to those that use this motorway.
I was so pleased to see them, all were emotional, tears and hugs. Susan and I sat for a long time while John and Les sat with Colin. They go home tomorrow so really a flying visit. But it was appreciated more than they will ever know.
As they were getting ready to go east, Colin's consultant came up the corridor. At the back of my guests she was smiling and wiggling her fingers. I smiled. She continued to smile at me and wiggle her fingers. Eventually I said..."Are you alright Dr Purcell?" Believing our consultant to have slightly lost the plot, as she was continually wiggling her fingers at us? She looked at me slightly blank and then said "Great news about Colin moving his fingers?!"
What???????? He had never said a word? Tears flowed again.
John and Susan left with "your our good luck charm". ringing in their ears.
Colin of course was then cross examined. But was too busy breathing to be bothered. So, we know that he has moved his fingers? He has told us about his thumb now! But whether or not it was just one finger, or two or all 10 we shall have to wait and ask Dr Purcell tomorrow. But...WE will find out!!!

Monday

Colin was much brighter today. Arrived at 4, I found him awake and smiling. He never once has moaned, never once said "why me?". No. All the talk is about the girls, how they are, what they are doing, uni, work and jobs etc. Of course I can bring conversation to a halt in a few words. Today it was to tell him that his mother has fallen and broken her hip. Silence. The Mitchell's are very private people so I won't divulge family business, but suffice to say their troubles do no stop with Colin's accident this year. But luckily, although I took the Mitchell name, I am still a Hunter through and through, and hence very gobby! My girls too are from the Hunter ilk and very vocal. Slowly but surely Colin too has been initiated. Consultants and entourage arrive, all fine in the Mitchell bed. 6 hours DIY, and another 2 hour session to be done. The Occupational therapist appeared. Lothian region are dragging their heels. No social workers has been appointed to us yet. This will slow down movement in organising the house for Colin. I smile and say "lets give them some time", my head shouting "No, lets get on with it, a few more days and I will involve my MP."
Today John and Susan Sykes flew in from Tampa. Tomorrow they are to visit Colin. I have not told him, of course I have mentioned it but Colin is not in charge of his Filofax or blackberry (mum had originally written blueberry which I thought was funny). Days and dates merge into one. so he is not aware that John arrives today and is heading west tomorrow (Tuesday).
Please let Colin be having a good day! He will be emotional, it will be tough. I will probably cry when I see them. But I cannot say how much I appreciate the time they have given to my family.
The Douglas Family- Annie and Jamie, what can I say. Their generosity and constant concern over the months has been overwhelming and consistent. They are very similar to us, wife vivacious and a doer. Husband quieter and laid back. Three gorgeous children and a long marriage, rock solid family values. Thank you.
It is now 3.45am, its going to be a long day!

Coco continues...and Friday/Saturday/ Sunday from Mum

A Warning- short and cautionary fairy tale.
In the dark and mysterious wood the fairies toil under the watchful eye of the witches at the top of the hill. The unwritten law is guilty until proven innocent. And to prove their quest, all means of trickery are put into place.
No stone is left unturned to help their case, but sometimes, just sometimes witches cannot win. And innocent is just that, innocent. The end.

Friday
To my horror the gas man drilled through the phone line- two days without contact from the outside world. Ok, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic, we did have our mobiles, but no computer. We have survived, but only just.

A Brick wall...
Three times in the past have I hit the brick wall. Normally around week 9 after each of the births of my gorgeous babies, any Mum will tell you, there comes a time when broken sleep, continual worry over doing the right thing for your infant, trying to be supermum, wife, friend and trying desperately to avoid the comments of "she had let herself go", suddenly comes to a crisis point. That is the point when you hit the brick wall.
The brick wall reappeared again this Friday. I knew it was looming, the signs were all there.
Lack of concentration, constant worry about silly things (work related as usual), broken sleep (writing this blog at 3.15am!), drowsy drives to Glasgow, (M8 users do not panic, I was being driven by my Dad). Colin was good, we chatted, his DIY was being increased daily, (bar infections or problems outwith control) vent free was looking possible.
Jenny, his physio did her stint. I knew I shouldn't have, I was too vulnerable, but still I did. I asked her how things were going. She truthfully said that she felt that Colin's progress was not showing much improvement at this time. The brick wall stikes again. "Thanks Jenny, see you Monday" I said and walked into the corridor.
I could hardly lie in the fetal position in the hospital corridor. But oh how I wanted to.
I am out of my comfort zone. I can't control Colin's limbs. Social workers, occupational therapists, benefits offices, they all march to their own tune.
Inside I'm screaming, outside I shout at the top of my lungs "I'm not letting myself go!"
Young newly qualified doctor saw the signs first, senior consultant at her back. They will have seen this before. The week 9 brick wall.
The enough is enough, I'm tired of playing this game routine. "The room" beckoned. For those who have not read this blog from the beginning, "the room" is where you go to hear the news that you do not want to hear. It's funny, I would swear that this "room" was exactly the same as the one in the Western General. Beige, beige and oh yes, beige. Or for my more discerning readers, Farrow and Ball No19.
Tears flowed, words were listened to. No progress with the physio, a bad sign. But no, still these doctors will not give up, yes it is slow but not finished. They won't give up. Colin wont give up, and neither will we. My brick wall was hit. Consultant mopped me up and sent me back out to fight with Colin, fight for the girls and maybe even write to those responsible for decorating the "room" and suggest Farrow and Ball 34- Cooking Apple green. Much warmer and to those hitting the brick wall, much kinder.

Saturday
Eventually I succumbed and a natural/herbal sleeping pill was found at the back of the kitchen drawer. On many of Colin's long haul flights, one was taken just before take off to ensure a bright eyed chap at the other end. But although I slept till 7am this morning, I can't honestly said that it was strong enough.
I have, in the past, been only to eager to pop pills for headaches, even maybe on the thought of getting headaches! But I have stayed clear in the last nine weeks as I need to be alert to deal with this situation. Anyway, maybe my body has become immune. As Melissa wrote yesterday when we regained internet, it was nice for Colin to have his family with him.

Sunday-
Louise and I visited today. Things were not good. Colin was very tired, with not even the energy to rally to speak to us. His temperature was up in the night and was being controlled when we arrived. We stayed only an hour, so that he did not feel that he had to use up his precious energy that he needs for his recovery trying to keep his eyes open. Hopefully things will be better tomorrow after his day of rest. As week 10 start we rally round to keep him on the road to recovery.

Friday and Saturday

Friday

Les phoned on his return from visit with Wendy. I know Colin would have enjoyed the new face and chat. He was on DIY for a while when they were there. Les thought he was looking good but tired. Infections at bay, lets hope this continues this weekend, and hours off vent can be built up. Doreen, Colin's older sister arrives from the south this weekend so Colin will more family news.

Great news. John and Susan Sykes are flying in from Tampa at the beginning of next week. This will be an emotional visit as Colin so admires John and looks at him as his mentor. Having taught Colin much during his working time in edinburgh.

We had a wonderful weekend at their Race Horse Stud farm in Ocalla a few years back so look forward to seeing them and letting them know that we really appreciate their concern for the family.

I drove to work at 4am this morning,and as I reached the exit for airport was in two minds to keep going west. It is in the early hours of the morning I miss him so much. Ok he was travelling a lot but I knew that he would always be home on friday. I do not kid myself, it was not just to be home with me, but with his girls, his dogs horses and of course in time for Saturday polo.
Colin's life before 13th September was full, but then as I have been known to say "I am the centre of his universe" so yes at 4am this morning all i wanted to do was head west and confirm that point. Head won over heart but just a little piece of me need him to tell me and the whole rest of me needs him home this Friday. Is someone up there listening?

Saturday
(Melissa)
I arrived today to find Dad's sister still with him. Mum and I went later today so that Doreen could have some quiet time with Dad. It was nice for Dad to have his sister there to visit. Doreen lives far away so he does not see her often, but he always enjoys it when he sees her.
Dad had his neck brace off for the first time. Lying down, he was in charge of his own breathing and his own neck. His breathing is becoming easier day by day, and I feel that he worries less about it. We watched the end of the Rugby, almost a normal Saturday at home, without actually being at home.
Louise and Mum will go tomorrow. The Sunday paper will read and Dad entertained. Hopefully he will be up for more visitors soon. Slowly we begin to build up his confidence for seeing his friends. Les and Wendy, John and Susan, slowly but surely they will come. He misses all your chat, and I'm sure in no time at all you will all get to go and visit him.

Wednesday

Funny old day. Coffee with one of the bestest mates Isla. Full of wedding chat. Jen is marrying Ian after many years, next spring. All excitement and dresses and venues. Bringing me back to the reality. It was only this time last year that we were doing the exact same thing, with final preparations underway for Louise and James' Wedding. Two weeks in Barbados, with friends and family. Definitely the best holiday that we have ever been on.
Hospital at 4. Colin in good spirits. Breathing is going well. I was allowed to see his pressure sore, which is now the size of a 10p piece. So there is light at the end of the tunnel.
A new patient was admitted. A very young boy of 19. His parents arrived, and the curtain was drawn. Why do hospitals think that this obscures any hearing? Do hospitals feel that they are magical silencing curtains, that once drawn do not allow any sound to pass through them? I suppose it is to protect the privacy. I will only say that anyone who has a child, will never want to have the conversation that went on behind that curtain. I was nearly in pieces. Colin and I both thinking how we have a 19 year old and how things would have been if we were behind that drawn curtain.
Visiting over I headed home. I am not going in today. Les and Wendy, from Colin's work, are going in. He will enjoy the new chat!
Thursday
My friends Corrine- who Colin and I have been friends with her FOREVER. She is the person who fancied my brothers, got tipsy on advocaat and lemonade on Christmas day with me, left her baby with me whilst she went to Geneva skiing, and promptly broke her leg, served her right!!
Anyways! We chatted and laughed about Colin.
Many years ago, she remembers it as the year that she was 19, quite ironic really considering the young boy in the southern.I had just returned to the airlines, flying with Logan Air, how glamorous.
Anyway, during my days on the ground, I met Corrine, we hit it off right away. She looked on me as the wiser, older women. I was 22, who knew!
She had been wittering on about this chap she really fancies. He was a dispatcher. How would she start a conversation with him, how would she know if he liked her or not?
Oh god, he was going to be dispatching a flight at the next gate! What was she going to say??
Full of anticipation, we waited for this god to appear.
"Here he is, oh I can't bear it!" she said
"Oh, that will be Colin then. My Husband!" I said.
If only I could describe the look on her face, fresh still in my memory.
"You bitch", she said. And that was that. Best Friends Forever.
Through her further romantic adventures and babies, and drunken nights, even canoodling up to Louise's father in law, much to amusement of Jo (the wife) and myself.
From Karaoke parties to night of tears and tantrums (both her and me). Oh yes, Corrine will be there to the end, for both Colin and me.

PS. Corrine not happy, she was 19 and had no taste in men at that time. She has now matured. Also she was just being friendly at the wedding party, and until Brad Pitt becomes available, she will remain young free and single.

Amazing News...

Tuesday
Hit the marvel that was Braehead shopping centre. This is the place the spinal unit suggest you take patients when they are up and about, as therapy for the wider world. I suggested if they take Colin here, he will fling himself down the escalators. No man should have to go through the trauma that is the Braehead shopping centre.
As Colin was in the past is unaware that there was even more than one shop at the Gyle, good luck to the person that has to navigate that centre with Colin.
Amazing news (as promised in the title)- Colin's cuff was deflated (the cuff is the part of the ventilator that prevents air passing through the vocal chords and prevents him from speaking) an hour and a half into my visit. So after an a hour and a half of lip reading chat, Colin was able to speak, sounding like a husky George Clooney.
Relief all round. After garrotting himself, there was a possibility that his vocal chords had been damaged.So after a couple of sentences of "How amazing" and "I can hear myself speak!", we looked at each other, and suddenly thought, we couldn't think of anything to say.
Stacey (the nurse), inflated cuff after 5 minutes, and was it my imagination, but were Colin's last words "Promise, not the Braehead shopping centre!"

The fairy tale...

Once upon a time lived a beautiful fairy, Toto. She was slim and witty and had the most amazing golden wings. She lived in an enchanted life with her fairy man, Coco. They had been together many moons and had three fabulous fairy babies, whose wings had grown covered in jewels. They were now in their own fairy worlds and love and peace reigned.
Toto had not listened to her own mother's words of wisdom and sat under her enchanted toad stool reading "fairycosmopolitan" instead of studying the magical charms. So she left the fairy academy without her fairy diploma.
So Coco flew around the kingdom doing good, and worked for the family of the fairy king. Toto had to leave her home in the dead of night to go to the mysterious dark woods, where toast and laughter was forbidden.She should have heeded her mother's words. She worked for the witches at the top of the hill. The hill that no fairy worth her wings would want to climb.
All was well in Coco and Toto's world. Until one day while frolicking with unicorns and Pegasus, the worst of the worst happens. He fell and broke his beautiful wings. No amount of love or care would make these wings work. For many moons he lay, Toto had no option. She flew between the mysterious wood and her magic world. But one day Coco could not let her go. She forgot her duties and stayed to return to the mysterious wood the following morning.
Summoned to the top of the hill where the witches sat around their coven, writing accounts of all that went on, using the fingers of their victims dipped in blood as their quills.
Her story of her absence was greeted by un-human chortles "but, but". No buts. They tore off her wings and chopped off her head...
The End.

Those of you that know will understand. Those of you that don't, do not fear I have not lost the plot!
PS. Colin is fine, doing well on the DIY and although slightly down, is lifted by your good wishes and love.

When words are never enough...Friday/Saturday

When did you last say thank you? "Want a cup of tea?"- Thank you. "Have a biscuit." Thank you. "Thanks for the lift", "Whats the time?- Thank you. Mind your p's and q's.
"Remember to say thank you". Oh yes, this was drilled into me and my children from the time that we could talk. "What do you say, please and thank you!"
But when was the last time that you really meant it?
Well this is one of the times that I REALLY mean it.
Thank you to the following-
1) My family. Parents, brothers, girls and Colin's family. Thank you.
2) My friends, without who I would have gone insane- Shirley, Fiona, Gail, Isla, Corrine, Kim and Orkney Susan- Thank you.
3) My polo buddies. The Douglas family, The Swanson Family. Thom, Jeff and Gillian, who saved Colin's life. Thank you. Fiona and George Middlemiss and Perth and Edinburgh Polo Clubs. Thank you.
4) My BMI friends. Annie and the diamond dollies (sorry Derek). Wilma and Dora for the coffee mornings-Thank you. And CSA, you know who you are.
5)John, Susan and Chuck Sykes- Les and Wendy. Colin's Sykes family. The banner and cards were received, smiled and cried over. Lovely people, sometimes those who had not even met Colin who cared enough. Thank you.
6)Darcy's new family. She has been adopted by a lovely gamekeeper and is now being allowed to sleep in the house. She is very happy. The More-Nesbitts, on behalf of Claudissia, and Debra at Dolphinton. Thank you.
7) Colin's falconry friends. Especially Andrew Knowles- Brown and family. Thank you.
8) The nursing angels and doctors at the ERI and Western Edinburgh and at the Spinal Unit in Glasgow Southern.Thank you.
To all these people and many many more, thank you for crying with me, laughing with me and being there for Colin, the girls and me. No words can ever tell you, so I suppose thank you is all I have.

Friday
Alarm at 3am, been awake since 2. My morning routine most days now. Work politics grinding away, never ceasing to amaze me. By 1300 (1pm), yes 1300, not 1259 or 1301, I leave. Another 8 hours done, another problem created to keep me awake. Real life resumes. Drive to see Colin.
He is on the DIY vent, thank goodness, progress. Muscles rubbed, chat done, news given, eye brows raised as I relayed new work issues. I need Colin to speak, to mentor me through this next pointless issue. "Weakest link" watched, 1700 meds (did I tell you I'm really at Consultant level knowledge, hence the reason for the medical jargon). Family and friends news all relayed. Colin is tired (I hope not of me!). Does the light really hurt his eyes, or is he just blanking me out of his world. WAKE UP! "I have driven through, so you can listen to my story! So, then she said....
I stayed with my Auntie Helen, a half way point between the hospital and home. My mother's younger sister who I adore. As a teenager, she took me riding, skating etc. On her dates (well I was her chaperon), she was exciting, still is, eccentric, glamorous and funny.
She is poorly, but never complains. She has two boys who she adores- one daughter in-law, and one daughter in law to be (very soon). Wedding in two weeks, great excitement. She was married to Buck for too many years to remember. He was the greatest; loud, funny, handsome and one of the nicest people I will have ever known. I adored him from the first minute to the last. He passed away this summer, with great dignity, surrounded by his family and all the love in the world. It was a privilege to be part of his last days, and at no time did he once say, "why me?", a lesson I hope I will carry forward.

He is a great loss from my life and to Helen's, no one will ever know.
A supper of salmon awaited my return. She knows me too well. We sat, and chatted, and cried as we discussed our two men who we love beyond all measures, the fathers of our children, our best friends. Memories were shared, problems solved, loneliness lifted. It was 2am and I had not reached my bed. Exhaustion levels obtained, we both retired for the evening.

Saturday
Early visiting, the two eldest go first to see Colin first. Saturday rituals began. Scotsman read, tales of school, Louise and Melissa's professions. This week even the Gruffallo featured heavily- "A mouse took a stroll through the deep dark woods...". The girls witter on, massaging hands and feet while Colin, still on DIY, concentrates hard on breathing, becomes quite agitated. He lives for these days, for his girls. I give them their time and arrive later straight from Helen's.
We chatter on, and the girls head home. To continue living their lives to bring new and interesting stories for the next visit.
As the girls leave, Les arrives. He is like Colin. Methodical and a man. So man chat, work etc. ensues, my eyes glaze over, I leave them too it.
Thank you Les. Colin appreciates all you do. Melissa, the practical child, even conned him into chopping logs for our fire. We now have enough logs to stay warm all winter! Yay!!
Colin's Global Sykes Family, have sent him a massive banner from Tampa. Messages and love from people so far away, eyes glaze over, however this time it is with tears. Novels Colin and Les have read were discussed and DVDs that Les has enjoyed recently were promised!
Colin continued to become more agitated with his breathing as the evening continued, feeling that his breathing was too fast, possibly hyperventilating. Stats and temp checked, all is fine. He is doing really well, Katie called over again, machines and tubes all checked. All is fine.
Colin is quiet, listening to his breathing, every breath laboured.
I discussed this with Katie (his nurse) in the corridor, she assures me that he is fine, but sometimes when you have been on the ventilator for so long they can come to depend on it. Obviously it had kept him alive, you can become scared, scared that your own body may let you down. Scared to relax, to stop listening to your every breath. We sit in silence. I too now watching every rise and fall on the monitor
This is ridiculous. Colin's body is working, how I'm not sure. In the first few dark days of the Western, and even in admitting to the southern, it was explained to us that Colin would be vent dependant. Diagrams were drawn
acceptance started, but no-one drew the diagram for Colin. No-one told him, so obviously he hadn't understood the rules and just decided to breath anyway. I will allow him another 24 hours of this paranoia, then the wife from hell will return and tell him to buck up and get on with it. "Suck it up" as Louise has been known to say.
X-factor beckoned as I hit the M8. Phoned the hospital at 2200, he has done 14 hours DIY. What can I say, the wife from hell is put away until next time, but please believe me, she is there!

At the end of the day...

Colin was not too bad on arriving yesterday afternoon. Dad,or papa as he is known drove me through,he is so kind. Its a way, i know, that he thinks he is helping.Which he is! As well as being a great provider of smoked salmon. Colin's temp was stabilising, and his infection was being controlled by the new antibiotic. A great improvement. He was also managing a different setting on the ventilator, .one that allows him to breathe but kicks in if he forgets or doesn't take a breath. He was in a calm state of mind,we chatted. He was slightly emotional when i told him of Bill Mackays appearance at my work, the husband of Christine Gilzean as she was. She is one of these people that you don't have to speak to weekly or even monthly, but the minute I did it was as if we only saw each other the day before. We have been through births, deaths and marriages together. She has been married to Bill forever, so when i saw him ambling through the doors i was delighted. They have known the situation with Colin from the beginning and after a big hug he asked for an update. Me being me, I sprouted on and it wasn't till i realised the emotion on bills face i stopped. 6ft 1 and obviously still hurting about his friends predicament i stopped. "I'm leaving before i get worse." he said and was off.
Many times a day i get that feeling, the flash were for one second reality is not there. When someone tells me something silly or funny and i think i must phone Colin, and then i remember, hes still with me but so far away. The normal things like phoning him to say, "stop for pint of milk on the way home", or burdening him with my latest tales of woe from work. No, now i have to wait till 4 till i go through the ward door, and then i see him and think really is it so important in the end. Does the situation at work that keeps me awake at night or the social worker problems, really mean that much. No they don't obviously, but Colin understands. He has so many of his own problems that he cannot communicate without expelling a great amount of energy, so really at the end of the day i don't have too much to worry about.

The Road to Hell...

"On your journey 'cross the wilderness
From the desert to the well
You have strayed upon the motorway to Hell"
Chris Rea
"There she stood in the doorway. I heard the mission bell. Then I was thinking to myself this could be heaven or this could be hell." The Eagles.

It's funny what goes through your mind at 2am. Thoughts of "situations at work" still lying heavy on my mind. Colin as always, phoned the hospital. Temperature was down, antibiotics kicked in, was more settled, back on track. Lyrics from songs keep droning on in my head. As a child weaned on Barbara Streisand/ Johnny Mathis and of course the old man "Frank" himself. These lyrics were alien to me when I first met Colin. He was not the corporate lawyer, young surgeon or dare I reveal, young royal my parents had assumed I would wed. No...he was the young lanky youth in the black biker jacket with the mean machine bike. This came as a suprise to them, such a shock!
No aires and graces with my Col, even with his dubious choice of tank tops (which seemed to go missing in the wash during our first year of marriage) I fell hook line and sinker. I should have known better when he turned up on his machine for the first date. Oh how my mother prayed that he was just a phase.
Even "distorting" the truth when I rode pillion all the was to the south of France (telling my Mum that I flew out to meet him there) for two weeks camping (another one of Colin's fettishes) which only lasted a couple of nights before he realised the error of his ways and booked us into a luxury pad in St. Tropez. (He should have run then).
My children suffering the same fate with their Dad as they grew, but I find this one strange myself. They loved their camping adventures with their Dad and his friend Les and his children Scott and Lisa.
Oh yes, this phase is now 31 years old, Mum even had the grace to say "Colin's done ok" a few years back. Well I think he has done ok too and if I could I would live in a tent with him now and even in one of his horrendous tank tops. "Then I was thinking to myself this could be heaven or this could be hell."

Deep Depression

Just had a phone call from the hospital. Colin has asked me not to go in today. He is very poorly and shattered. He has asked for something to help him sleep. So the lovely nurse phones me and relayed this message. Feel physically sick, but i understand that there is no point in the journey just to watch him in a drug induced sleep. Melissa has just informed me that it is 8000 airmiles to RIO.
I need a bit of luck for Colin. He needs to clear these infections. I want it to be six months time, I want him to be home. I want, I want, I want.
Colin need to be home. His girls need him home.
I need a drug induced sleep. Oh well, at least I will have time to wash the kitchen floor today.

Not so good...

Today was not such a good day today. Dad had a terrible temperature, of unknown origins. Once again he is being pumped full of antibiotics to fight off whatever infection he has this time. It is more difficult for him and for Mum on the days when he is very poorly. Mum finds it hard to leave him, but we will all be there tomorrow, keeping him going.

Turn left at booth one for enternal damnation...right for the 8th circle...

Hells Waiting Room...
I, or rather we, have entered a new phase in our life. The Benefits System. It is truely like Hells waiting room.We started in the Money Advice Shop on the bridges. Actually the devil was really nice, but after about 2 sentences she lost me. I had taken daughter number 2, Melissa, she is so sensible and definitely much smarter than her Mother. DLA, ESA...what on earth was she talking about? The only 3 letter word I get excited about is RIO, but then that was a former life.
Forms, council tax, this was Colin's domain. In my hands it is only a matter of days before we are registered as homeless. She then pointed us in the direction of the district council office, the flames were now heading towards our ankles.
Again the devil was really nice, but after 40 minutes of waiting, my eyes glazed over and no2 daughter stepped in and charged to victory. We had some answers, altough some were whispered for us to lean forward. the she devil quietly disclosed benefit secrets, slowly and quietly so that the grand master did not hear.
Completely confused, i headed west. Desperate to see Colin. Daughter 2 headed home to the phone and started to interpret the findings of the morning.

I found Colin still in pain, but as they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder, and he definitely seemed happy to see me.
normal meetings out of the way, I was informed that hid lung had collapsed during the night. This means that we are yet again back two steps. Slowly but surely we have to work his breathing and lungs back- feet and hands were massaged, Weakest link watched, and hells waiting room put out of my mind. Buisness as usual.

Guilt...

I really appreciated my girls and Colin's sister for visiting this weekend. I was working and felt that with his visitors mounting that maybe i should stand back-
but the guilt, really it wasn't worth it.
It's not really guilt as such. Colin and I have been together for 30 years. It's our journey not just his. I want to be with him every step. Yes we were separated by work, commitments etc, but he is the first person I would ring if i thought of something funny, silly or worrying. He would talk over my anxieties that work is causing at this time. He would fix things, not DIY as anyone that knows him will tell you, but his family. No, today I will be ther. He has always been there for me.