its been a funny old week

It sure has,,im totaly exhausted,,a good tired i suppose,,im on the go the whole time,,with colin with the kids with the puppy,,i realy dont know what i did before this,Oh i mouched about shopping and things and probably complaining and whining,,life was simple,,but its not so simple at the moment,,i managed to give colin his evening medication one morning,,then melissa and i sat and watched him wondering if indeed i had killed him,,he survived,,,it was just too simple,,i was tired the medication all looked the same,,i had all my excuses for the court ready,,i was tired m,lord,,i was confused m,lord,,,it wasnt me i was out the country at the time m,lord....oh yes i was going down,,,but i got away with it this time,,,we looked at transport,,cars that in fact looked more like postman pat vans than the beasts Colin used to drive,,one or two were dismissed from the start,,realy the only person that should ride on his own in the back is the pope,,,and one seemed,,ok,,not the choice for our old life but a necessity for our new,,so the deed was done,,,we had the devil that wears primark,,social worker,,and a group of realy very nice others,,district nurses and carer bosses,,,they looked on in aw as I once again locked horns with the polyester clad being,,colin feigned illness,,,and the meeting continued,,nothing new,just more of the same,,,where are they all when the problems happen,,,not here anyway,,so how they can all sit and say,,ooh you shouldnt do that on your own,,,oooh im sure things will settle down,,,OOOH they better had ,,,,and dont patronise me,,and im glad i didnt do homebaking for this lot,,,well maybe the district nurse and the carers,,,,ok ok you that know me well know i dont bake but i could have......and then there are the times when reality hurts,,,i am now in the habit of taking the pup out for a walk after supper,,its warm and light and ipod in ears off we go,,but i dread the return,as colin is sitting there in the drawing room window,,he cant see me but i can see him,,and thats when my heart misses a beat,,my strong handsom husband is captive in his own body,,and i regret all the times he asked me if i wanted to come to walk his dogs,,no ive to tidy up,,no coronation street is on,,no its too cold,,no im too tired,,and thats when i know that i was wrong,,i missed those memories,,the ones i cant have,,i should have said yes,,but too late,,too late for lots of things,,colins body is his prison,but his mind is free,,we have to build new memories now,,but i will never stop crying inside when i see him in that window,,,