When words are never enough...Friday/Saturday

When did you last say thank you? "Want a cup of tea?"- Thank you. "Have a biscuit." Thank you. "Thanks for the lift", "Whats the time?- Thank you. Mind your p's and q's.
"Remember to say thank you". Oh yes, this was drilled into me and my children from the time that we could talk. "What do you say, please and thank you!"
But when was the last time that you really meant it?
Well this is one of the times that I REALLY mean it.
Thank you to the following-
1) My family. Parents, brothers, girls and Colin's family. Thank you.
2) My friends, without who I would have gone insane- Shirley, Fiona, Gail, Isla, Corrine, Kim and Orkney Susan- Thank you.
3) My polo buddies. The Douglas family, The Swanson Family. Thom, Jeff and Gillian, who saved Colin's life. Thank you. Fiona and George Middlemiss and Perth and Edinburgh Polo Clubs. Thank you.
4) My BMI friends. Annie and the diamond dollies (sorry Derek). Wilma and Dora for the coffee mornings-Thank you. And CSA, you know who you are.
5)John, Susan and Chuck Sykes- Les and Wendy. Colin's Sykes family. The banner and cards were received, smiled and cried over. Lovely people, sometimes those who had not even met Colin who cared enough. Thank you.
6)Darcy's new family. She has been adopted by a lovely gamekeeper and is now being allowed to sleep in the house. She is very happy. The More-Nesbitts, on behalf of Claudissia, and Debra at Dolphinton. Thank you.
7) Colin's falconry friends. Especially Andrew Knowles- Brown and family. Thank you.
8) The nursing angels and doctors at the ERI and Western Edinburgh and at the Spinal Unit in Glasgow Southern.Thank you.
To all these people and many many more, thank you for crying with me, laughing with me and being there for Colin, the girls and me. No words can ever tell you, so I suppose thank you is all I have.

Friday
Alarm at 3am, been awake since 2. My morning routine most days now. Work politics grinding away, never ceasing to amaze me. By 1300 (1pm), yes 1300, not 1259 or 1301, I leave. Another 8 hours done, another problem created to keep me awake. Real life resumes. Drive to see Colin.
He is on the DIY vent, thank goodness, progress. Muscles rubbed, chat done, news given, eye brows raised as I relayed new work issues. I need Colin to speak, to mentor me through this next pointless issue. "Weakest link" watched, 1700 meds (did I tell you I'm really at Consultant level knowledge, hence the reason for the medical jargon). Family and friends news all relayed. Colin is tired (I hope not of me!). Does the light really hurt his eyes, or is he just blanking me out of his world. WAKE UP! "I have driven through, so you can listen to my story! So, then she said....
I stayed with my Auntie Helen, a half way point between the hospital and home. My mother's younger sister who I adore. As a teenager, she took me riding, skating etc. On her dates (well I was her chaperon), she was exciting, still is, eccentric, glamorous and funny.
She is poorly, but never complains. She has two boys who she adores- one daughter in-law, and one daughter in law to be (very soon). Wedding in two weeks, great excitement. She was married to Buck for too many years to remember. He was the greatest; loud, funny, handsome and one of the nicest people I will have ever known. I adored him from the first minute to the last. He passed away this summer, with great dignity, surrounded by his family and all the love in the world. It was a privilege to be part of his last days, and at no time did he once say, "why me?", a lesson I hope I will carry forward.

He is a great loss from my life and to Helen's, no one will ever know.
A supper of salmon awaited my return. She knows me too well. We sat, and chatted, and cried as we discussed our two men who we love beyond all measures, the fathers of our children, our best friends. Memories were shared, problems solved, loneliness lifted. It was 2am and I had not reached my bed. Exhaustion levels obtained, we both retired for the evening.

Saturday
Early visiting, the two eldest go first to see Colin first. Saturday rituals began. Scotsman read, tales of school, Louise and Melissa's professions. This week even the Gruffallo featured heavily- "A mouse took a stroll through the deep dark woods...". The girls witter on, massaging hands and feet while Colin, still on DIY, concentrates hard on breathing, becomes quite agitated. He lives for these days, for his girls. I give them their time and arrive later straight from Helen's.
We chatter on, and the girls head home. To continue living their lives to bring new and interesting stories for the next visit.
As the girls leave, Les arrives. He is like Colin. Methodical and a man. So man chat, work etc. ensues, my eyes glaze over, I leave them too it.
Thank you Les. Colin appreciates all you do. Melissa, the practical child, even conned him into chopping logs for our fire. We now have enough logs to stay warm all winter! Yay!!
Colin's Global Sykes Family, have sent him a massive banner from Tampa. Messages and love from people so far away, eyes glaze over, however this time it is with tears. Novels Colin and Les have read were discussed and DVDs that Les has enjoyed recently were promised!
Colin continued to become more agitated with his breathing as the evening continued, feeling that his breathing was too fast, possibly hyperventilating. Stats and temp checked, all is fine. He is doing really well, Katie called over again, machines and tubes all checked. All is fine.
Colin is quiet, listening to his breathing, every breath laboured.
I discussed this with Katie (his nurse) in the corridor, she assures me that he is fine, but sometimes when you have been on the ventilator for so long they can come to depend on it. Obviously it had kept him alive, you can become scared, scared that your own body may let you down. Scared to relax, to stop listening to your every breath. We sit in silence. I too now watching every rise and fall on the monitor
This is ridiculous. Colin's body is working, how I'm not sure. In the first few dark days of the Western, and even in admitting to the southern, it was explained to us that Colin would be vent dependant. Diagrams were drawn
acceptance started, but no-one drew the diagram for Colin. No-one told him, so obviously he hadn't understood the rules and just decided to breath anyway. I will allow him another 24 hours of this paranoia, then the wife from hell will return and tell him to buck up and get on with it. "Suck it up" as Louise has been known to say.
X-factor beckoned as I hit the M8. Phoned the hospital at 2200, he has done 14 hours DIY. What can I say, the wife from hell is put away until next time, but please believe me, she is there!

At the end of the day...

Colin was not too bad on arriving yesterday afternoon. Dad,or papa as he is known drove me through,he is so kind. Its a way, i know, that he thinks he is helping.Which he is! As well as being a great provider of smoked salmon. Colin's temp was stabilising, and his infection was being controlled by the new antibiotic. A great improvement. He was also managing a different setting on the ventilator, .one that allows him to breathe but kicks in if he forgets or doesn't take a breath. He was in a calm state of mind,we chatted. He was slightly emotional when i told him of Bill Mackays appearance at my work, the husband of Christine Gilzean as she was. She is one of these people that you don't have to speak to weekly or even monthly, but the minute I did it was as if we only saw each other the day before. We have been through births, deaths and marriages together. She has been married to Bill forever, so when i saw him ambling through the doors i was delighted. They have known the situation with Colin from the beginning and after a big hug he asked for an update. Me being me, I sprouted on and it wasn't till i realised the emotion on bills face i stopped. 6ft 1 and obviously still hurting about his friends predicament i stopped. "I'm leaving before i get worse." he said and was off.
Many times a day i get that feeling, the flash were for one second reality is not there. When someone tells me something silly or funny and i think i must phone Colin, and then i remember, hes still with me but so far away. The normal things like phoning him to say, "stop for pint of milk on the way home", or burdening him with my latest tales of woe from work. No, now i have to wait till 4 till i go through the ward door, and then i see him and think really is it so important in the end. Does the situation at work that keeps me awake at night or the social worker problems, really mean that much. No they don't obviously, but Colin understands. He has so many of his own problems that he cannot communicate without expelling a great amount of energy, so really at the end of the day i don't have too much to worry about.

The Road to Hell...

"On your journey 'cross the wilderness
From the desert to the well
You have strayed upon the motorway to Hell"
Chris Rea
"There she stood in the doorway. I heard the mission bell. Then I was thinking to myself this could be heaven or this could be hell." The Eagles.

It's funny what goes through your mind at 2am. Thoughts of "situations at work" still lying heavy on my mind. Colin as always, phoned the hospital. Temperature was down, antibiotics kicked in, was more settled, back on track. Lyrics from songs keep droning on in my head. As a child weaned on Barbara Streisand/ Johnny Mathis and of course the old man "Frank" himself. These lyrics were alien to me when I first met Colin. He was not the corporate lawyer, young surgeon or dare I reveal, young royal my parents had assumed I would wed. No...he was the young lanky youth in the black biker jacket with the mean machine bike. This came as a suprise to them, such a shock!
No aires and graces with my Col, even with his dubious choice of tank tops (which seemed to go missing in the wash during our first year of marriage) I fell hook line and sinker. I should have known better when he turned up on his machine for the first date. Oh how my mother prayed that he was just a phase.
Even "distorting" the truth when I rode pillion all the was to the south of France (telling my Mum that I flew out to meet him there) for two weeks camping (another one of Colin's fettishes) which only lasted a couple of nights before he realised the error of his ways and booked us into a luxury pad in St. Tropez. (He should have run then).
My children suffering the same fate with their Dad as they grew, but I find this one strange myself. They loved their camping adventures with their Dad and his friend Les and his children Scott and Lisa.
Oh yes, this phase is now 31 years old, Mum even had the grace to say "Colin's done ok" a few years back. Well I think he has done ok too and if I could I would live in a tent with him now and even in one of his horrendous tank tops. "Then I was thinking to myself this could be heaven or this could be hell."

Deep Depression

Just had a phone call from the hospital. Colin has asked me not to go in today. He is very poorly and shattered. He has asked for something to help him sleep. So the lovely nurse phones me and relayed this message. Feel physically sick, but i understand that there is no point in the journey just to watch him in a drug induced sleep. Melissa has just informed me that it is 8000 airmiles to RIO.
I need a bit of luck for Colin. He needs to clear these infections. I want it to be six months time, I want him to be home. I want, I want, I want.
Colin need to be home. His girls need him home.
I need a drug induced sleep. Oh well, at least I will have time to wash the kitchen floor today.

Not so good...

Today was not such a good day today. Dad had a terrible temperature, of unknown origins. Once again he is being pumped full of antibiotics to fight off whatever infection he has this time. It is more difficult for him and for Mum on the days when he is very poorly. Mum finds it hard to leave him, but we will all be there tomorrow, keeping him going.

Turn left at booth one for enternal damnation...right for the 8th circle...

Hells Waiting Room...
I, or rather we, have entered a new phase in our life. The Benefits System. It is truely like Hells waiting room.We started in the Money Advice Shop on the bridges. Actually the devil was really nice, but after about 2 sentences she lost me. I had taken daughter number 2, Melissa, she is so sensible and definitely much smarter than her Mother. DLA, ESA...what on earth was she talking about? The only 3 letter word I get excited about is RIO, but then that was a former life.
Forms, council tax, this was Colin's domain. In my hands it is only a matter of days before we are registered as homeless. She then pointed us in the direction of the district council office, the flames were now heading towards our ankles.
Again the devil was really nice, but after 40 minutes of waiting, my eyes glazed over and no2 daughter stepped in and charged to victory. We had some answers, altough some were whispered for us to lean forward. the she devil quietly disclosed benefit secrets, slowly and quietly so that the grand master did not hear.
Completely confused, i headed west. Desperate to see Colin. Daughter 2 headed home to the phone and started to interpret the findings of the morning.

I found Colin still in pain, but as they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder, and he definitely seemed happy to see me.
normal meetings out of the way, I was informed that hid lung had collapsed during the night. This means that we are yet again back two steps. Slowly but surely we have to work his breathing and lungs back- feet and hands were massaged, Weakest link watched, and hells waiting room put out of my mind. Buisness as usual.

Guilt...

I really appreciated my girls and Colin's sister for visiting this weekend. I was working and felt that with his visitors mounting that maybe i should stand back-
but the guilt, really it wasn't worth it.
It's not really guilt as such. Colin and I have been together for 30 years. It's our journey not just his. I want to be with him every step. Yes we were separated by work, commitments etc, but he is the first person I would ring if i thought of something funny, silly or worrying. He would talk over my anxieties that work is causing at this time. He would fix things, not DIY as anyone that knows him will tell you, but his family. No, today I will be ther. He has always been there for me.