my life is pants,,

Colin is good,,well good means no chest infection ,no marks,,but mood wise,,well i dont know if hes good or not,,he never changes,,neither up nor down,,just takes it all in and moves on,,,i left the house at 4am this morning and now its 2050 and i have been home about 30min,,and in those hours i have laughed,,cried ,,sobbed and contempated the meaning of life,,my professional life is as always,,as colin would say move on,,,my other life,,the one in the southern general,,its not easy,,its not easy to see the man you adore taking so much on his shoulders,,its not easy to hear the proffesionals opinion on his progress,,its not easy to hear them discuss you as if you werent there,,you,,or should i say me,,sob at the reality of it all,,and colin just stares forward,,digests it all and moves on,,where does he get his strength,,i am a sobbing wreck,,the early shift catches up,,life is too real,,the swansons had sent a beautiful book full of beautiful photos of colin,,argentina,edinburgh perth,,photos of friends and family,,photos of the past life,,the life i loved,,the new life my life is pants,,but Colin is there and he just takes it all in and moves on,,and i go with him.