Monday and Tuesday-

I've never been quick, but I have just worked out that one pill means uninterrupted nights sleep. No pill means a 0130 cup of tea, facebook and blog entry. If i'd been at university I probably would have used this time to write my thesis (big word but with 3 girls at uni, you pick these things up!).

Pills are being dumped next week. What would I do without my middle of the night life. Life is too short. Even my girls know my middle of the night routine. Louise bought me a beautiful Cath Kidston notebook to record all of my ramblings in, which I in turn leave for Melissa to type up and add punctuation too. Technology and punctuation, not my strong point.

Electric blanket pumped up because it was mighty cold at 1am. I know that the young ones are just starting to party, but us oldies need those blankets. Facebooked checked. Jude Grants pictures are like snow paradise. Abby and Lynne's photos always make me smile, and Jonathan or perhaps Santa brought a pony for the Tidswell family. So much fun had by so many in this winter wonderland.

New year is looming. Christmas presents nearly put away so I think it is time the snow went away! Enough is enough. I am tired of it now. All the oohing and ahhing. Santa's sleigh had been and in a few days time we will all be back to work. Misery of snow traffic jams and delayed flights are too much to comprehend. No, I insist snow goes and we are all safe on the roads once more.

My little mini can be seen heading West even in the biggest of snow drifts, but it makes life so much easier when there is no snow to contend with!

West means Colin. West means the braehead shopping centre. Yes, the dreaded place that I have over time slowly begun to like. Its easy. I'm in the west and minutes from Colin. It has shops and SALES and well, shops mean happiness.

Colin is good, no infections, chest clear, trachi out but he is BORED. Oh boy is he bored. The last week has dragged, as in all businesses, everything stops for Santa. So physio is sparse, people are evacuated home, the lucky ones. His normal, did I really say normal, routine is changes, punctuated only by meals and visits.

Tuesday

Today his physio will return. a most welcome diversion. But then as quickly as it will start it will stop again as the New Years holiday appears. And this is the West. So a very, very important time. But then we are into January and work starts in earnest.

Colin's sore is still not 100%. We cannot push this last part. If too soon, the skin will breakdown and we are back to square one. So frustrating, but Colin is accepting it with his usual good nature. New Years, new beginnings. The two Eddies are being moved round to Phillipshill. I will miss the young Eddies banter, and Colin will miss his nonsense and and youthful chat. But hopefully he will not be far behind them. The tilt table will resume with the return of the physio and as soon as we get an ok from the wound, we will be heading to rehab!

The occupational therapist came to visit the house. A sign that things are progressing, a sign Colin is nearer to coming home. Things will have to be changed, alterations made, new fixtures but everything can be "Farrow and Ball"-ed and everything can be "Cath Kidston"-ed but most of all it means my Colin can come home.

So when winter makes way to Spring, and eventually to Summer, all this will hopefully be a distant memory.

Christmas!

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas. Ours was very different this year. After and early Christmas drink with Monica and Papa, my girls and I headed west. The southern general, although they tried to be festive, was not quite the seasonal scene that I would have envisaged. My Waltons dream again. Colin was well. He smiled and we were all jolly.

Presents were exchanged over the hospital bed. Very difficult to think of things to give this year. No polo gear, hunting equipment; a new list had to be devised. The hospital “santa” arrived. Ho, Ho, Ho. We stayed a few hours, though it was Christmas, hands and feet still needed to be manipulated and life had to go on.

Eventually we had to leave. Not easy in normal circumstances, but definitely a lot harder on the “family” day of the year.

Louise’s “in-laws”, the Eastons, had invited us for Christmas dinner. Their house was full of life and laughter. We can never thank them enough for involving us in their celebrations. Christmas day over, the new year looms.

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Sorry to all the daily Blog readers that this weeks entries have been so sparse. The snow has been a problem!

The M8 has been a nightmare. The journey had taken double the time!

Colin has improved. He coughed out his "trachi" as the doctors where deliberating about whether or not to take it out! Colin decided for them! He has this week been practising on the "Tilt Table" (a board that takes a person from horizontal to vertical at different levels) to balance out his blood pressure, for the great event of moving on to the chair.

The ward is very quiet. Most have been evacuated home. Colin and the two Eddies' remain.

Gifts and cards have arrived and cheer us both up.

Amazing "flip" cameras from Gareth and Gillian. More technology for Melissa to teach us how to use. Thanks guys. These will be used to entertain Colin.

Thanks to Gaye in Manilla for her healing gifts.

I know you will all be with friends and family for the next while so blogs will be brief.

Please be reassured though that Colin's progress is on the up.

From Colin, Charlotte and the girls- We wish you a very Merry Christmas x

Let it snow, let it snow...for 5 minutes!

Saturday

Oh my god it is so cold. Up early, but didn't venture to town till 9am. I didn't want to be picked up off the street as a vagrant. Was meant to be an off day, Colin's sister from the south was visiting, bu message was received as I battled my way down George Street to say that there was a family crisis and wouldn't be able to make it. My life re-arranged, and the west beckoned once more.

Snow affected the Mitchell Clan today. Shelley was snowed in up north and Melissa had to turn back en route to lovely Lucie's surprise birthday party. Wimps! Their mother dug herself out, well waited till the car defrosted at least and headed west.

Les was there. He has been a rock for Colin. He brought the gossip and christmas cards from Sykes. Such amazing words from colleagues and friends. Gala, Calder house, people I have never met, but cannot thank enough for their constant support. Les left and Colin and I settled down to our weekend routine.

No physio on the weekends, so Colin feels deprived of exercise. But my massage seems to help. He doesn't complain. The ward is very quiet, no new admissions this week. Phillipshill even quieter as most have weekend passes. This is what you aim for. With Christmas week looming, all that can WILL be home. But Colin and his little gang, the two Eddies, and his other ward mates will be there. HO, HO, Ho.

We had a cup of tea and a fondant fancy. How posh are we?! Everything stopped for tea, and the I might as well have not been there as Colin's favourite film in the whole world came on. "Dances with Wolves" An epic that would keep him enthralled for hours!

I headed east. M8 cleared as the "game", some football thing had jut finished. Colin left with Kevin Costner. Motorway was not too bad, but me and Barbara (Streisand) sung all the way home.

I hoped that the snow gates would be open in the morning and number 3 baby Shelley would come home safe!

Sunday beckoned and all that goes with it. 2 children, the Sunday paper and all the weeks gossip!

Sunday

We have just returned from the West. I cried all the way home. Louise, Melissa and Shelley all chatted to Colin. However it made Colin look more vulnerable and dependant. It fills my heart with such emotions, the tables have turned and now he looks to them for help. He will be up soon and the status quo will return.

Thursday- Ho, Ho, Ho!

As the Coca-Cola advert says "Christmas is a coming, Christmas is a coming" (just been corrected by Melissa, what the advert actually says is "Holidays a coming, Holidays a coming!" oh well)---

Normally I would be on the Christmas "train" by now. Hysteria pitch nearly reached, Marks and Spencers floor plans studied so that I can manoeuvre to the chipolattas from the Christmas pudding aisle in record time.

I have always envisaged the Mitchell Christmases like an episode of the Waltons. You know, Ma and Pa with their gaggle of children. Marooned in our snow clad house for the winter. Or at least Christmas Eve till New Year. Oh, and at least one Christmas Miracle.

But life at the Mitchell household resembles more an episode of the Broons. Old fat Ma, skinny Pa and the normal ups and downs of reality!

I suppose it was when Colin, lying there yesterday, asked me "what would you like for Christmas?"

What do I want?

I want this nightmare to be over. I want you to walk away from this. I want you to wrap your arms around me and say its a nightmare. I want you home.

But I just smiled and said "I'm sure that Louise or Melissa will sort it out."

"Goodnight John Boy......"

Tuesday/ Wednesday

My favourite aunty, Helen, decided to invade the southern general with me today! Wicker basket full to the brim, we headed west. She took up prime position in the day room, settled in with a caffe latte and a highly calorific bun, brought by me. She took in the scene!

People that know our family say we are quite alike. Quirky, gregarious, mad as hatters. We will talk to absolutely anyone and everyone. I, of course, cannot see this as I am very quiet and demure! So I left her to it and headed into see Colin.

On my return she was deep in conversation with half the visitors and "inmates" of the spinal unit. She had a marvellous time and is very much looking forward to her next visit.

She also managed to see Colin. Oh yes that is why we were there. Helen chatted and laughed and Colin loved it. A visitor that brought him gossip and fun. At end of time we headed east. helen was full of "how good Colin looked" and "how well he seemed, so much better than she had dared to hope." Nice to hear I must say, but yes, he seem to have definitely turned a corner.

Wednesday

Wicker basket and I arrived to find Colin smiling. the last two days he had managed to charm his way into some kind soul making him toast! Up until that point he was meant to be on mush. But he was now officially allowed real food! The sky is the limit. However steak was to be put on hold while we make our way through the Southern's menu sheet.

Colin always thinks we have mental powers between us (or did, he just says I was mental, hmmm) anway I had been to Marks and Sparks and have brought a "obviously" home made pasta salad. Well, its as good as home made- move on. It was the best thing he had ever tasted, bless.

Great excitement. Andrew Knowles Brown arrived. One of Colin's falconry friends. Known him for years and the organiser of many fine weekends hunts away. I left them too it for man chat! Colin was animated when he left, so good for him to be taken out of his comfort zone, and we are very thankful for Andrews visit.

He also brought a beautiful picture of Colin and his bird, (a hawk, you fools! remember that I am the centre of his universe!)

We oohed and ahhhed at it. Then I said "how do you feel? Are you bitter at the thought of maybe never getting into the field again?"

He said "no, I'm not bitter. I'm glad I had that life. I'm glad that we did all those thing. I regret nothing. Our life will be different. But we have our girls. I'll go back to work (this was news to me, but if Colin says he will do it, he will). Things won't be easy, but whoever said life was easy?"

Well without getting too mushy, my heart nearly burst with pride. "my" Colin is still there and with every day he come out stronger. Ok, his legs and arms don't work, but nothing will stop Colin fight for his life and family. Times like this remind me of why I fell in love with him in the first place.

Friday, Saturday

Saw lively young doctor on Friday, I have tights that are older than him. Note to self, clean out tights drawer... He has decided that I have insomnia. What? Me? Never? Yes, he needs me to take it easier. Eh! He handed me a prescription for little miracle pills. At last, a full nights sleep. No more 3AM cups of tea, not more 4AM internet searches. My life would change. Normality would resume. Medical miracle were to be used and insomnia would become just a bad memory. So why did I write this at 2am?

It was a placebo. I’m sure of it. Or is my body fighting this invading phenomena known as sleep. Well, whatever it is, something tells me the 2am blogs will be continuing for a while.

Colin is still showing great improvements. Saturday, Louise and I battled fog to visit. She decided that the fog was not as bad as she had thought, and if I had bothered to refill the windscreen “skooshers” so that I could see out the windscreen. How easy life is for the young! They make it all sound so simple. But finding the lever to open the bonnet was the first challenge. I know a man who will know!

Colin was good. Stitches out, mobility beckoning. Food has begun to be reintroduced. Slowly. I had a rhubarb crumble as a treat for him in my basket. No Tesco or ASDA bags for my husband. No, every day I am seen, like little red riding hood, with my basket full of goodies. Very Cath Kidston. The men in the white van were on standby because obviously I am unhinged. Anyway! Rhubarb crumble was pulverised in mush to allow it to pass his diet restrictions. Hmm… never quite sure it tastes the same.

Tales of home and the other children were told. Louise manipulated his hands while I struggled with modern technology. Tv and Dvd player. James (the son in law) has donated his beloved box set of the West Wing which should entertain Colin till at least next March! Scarts and other this were set up and ready to go! We had a cup of tea, Colin earl grey (yuck), myself marks and spencers gold. Les arrived and Colin’s eyes lit up. Adult conversation at last! We left the to it! We headed back east to meet the youngest nieces and nephews. Louise treated them to the cinema as their Christmas present. They were flying to Argentina on Sunday. “Nativity” started, and three adults sat and sniggered and chortled, while three children sat bemused at the silly film and at the adults that were making fools of themselves. A nice treat. Home in time for x-factor and so life goes on.

Sunday

Colin’s sister Anne visited. So I had the day free to do Christmas shopping. Ocean Terminal was my first victim. I arrived with the early crowds. The attack started on level B. No shop was left unturned. This mission had a purpose. Where were all these other people from? What do they want? Did they not know it was Christmas and I’m busy? Bah Humbug.

Small children in my path were mowed down. The next level loomed. Gifts were all bought. I apologise in advance for anything that was missed off of Santa’s list. I still have a little time. But really, does everyone have to do their shopping in December? So inconsiderate!

I have been spoilt the by the last few Christmases. Two years ago I spent the early part of December in Argentina with Colin and Shelley. Perfect. Great weather, polo. Two weeks of memories that I will hold forever.

Last year of course was Louise and James’ wedding. Barbados. Leaving on the 14^th December and not returning till the new year. Family, sun and great fun for 2 weeks. Wedding blissful, new family and all those I love were with us. Perfect.

So for the last few years I have “done Christmas shopping” in October, November. Much more sensible. This will be my new tradition. Will start in January.

Phoned the Southern General on Sunday night to speak to Colin. His new found voice is so helpful. The pushed the phone over to his bedside and we (Melissa and I) were able to hold a conversation. What, I hear you ask would we talk about on this momentous occasion? Children, plans for the week, his progress in physio? No- the Aga was playing up and Colin is the only one who knows where the button is to turn it back on. Oh yes. This new found toy of mine, phone to bed is so handy. Poor Colin, even in high dependency he is no longer safe from me.

235am. Tea drunk, blog written (and left for Melissa to type up and post), I was sure these pills would kick in any minute. Sleep deprivation, a killer. Do you think that if I phones Colin on the ward that they would wake him up for me so that I could tell him that I couldn’t sleep? It always made me feel better in the past! I always slept better after telling Colin. Of course he could never get back to sleep afterwards but at least we shares he insomnia then. Bless!

from out of the fog

Friday/ Saturday.

How i manoeuvred through the fog I don't know. It was shocking, airports closed, traffic slowed down to a crawl. Arrived later than usual to find Colin in good fettle, well I was going to sort that! It had not been a good day for me. Sleepless nights, fog and letters from students awards association and district council not bearing good news. Well, in minutes I had relayed my woes to him. Why should I be the only one depressed?! I felt much better, Colin now depressed, job done! Ah well, all normal then.

Saturday arrived early as heading to cinema with little nephews and nieces as they fly to Argentina for Christmas on Sunday.

Louise and I relayed all news. We heard about Colin's great physio session with a new therapist. We nodded, not knowing really what he was describing but it made him happy. Christmas day was discussed, timetable is very busy. So much so that Louise and I were not even sure where we would fit present opening into it all! Ah well.

Les, Colin's friend arrived and we left, contented with Colin's up beat mood.

Wednesday/ Thursday

Feel as if Colin has turned a corner. Last two visits have been amazing. Colin was alert and talking, they have reduced his trachi tube to the very thinnest, so his talking is nearly back to normal. He is eating. Yes, real food. Soups and yoghurts. His stitches are meant to be taken out tomorrow and then count down to mobilisation.

Also, we have talked him into having the "odd" visitor. So as you are all "odd", text or email me (or leave a comment below) and we can sort out dates that suit you. Please do not feel obliged. This is a busy time of year, and Colin is not going anywhere just now so will still be available for visitors in the New year. However please do not be offended on the day of your visit if we text you and tell you not to come, as things can turn very quickly.

But please, if you are around and wish to visit, now, January or February, let us know!

Tuesday - bed time stories..

Went to the hospital full of anticipation at the thought of Colin's first night in the Rehab ward. Sleepless nights, long day at work.

We there he was, full of the joys, typical. He was fine- his stitches to be removes and hopefully mobilised within a fortnight. Great new. He was to be moved back into Edenhall high dependency. What? What happened? What is wrong? was my first reaction. Spoke to the consultant and reading between the line it looks like when she was off for the weekend someone else had made the decision to move Colin. Bad idea. She was not impressed. Although he was well enough, she did not feel it was time yet, for this move. I was relieved. I don't think that I was ready to make this move yet.

Colin settled back in Edenhall, all well. I sat reading his novel to him. I can't stand it, all the lawyers, trials and far too high faluting.

I looked over, he was alseep. Thank goodness I could put his book down.

It triggered memories of when the children were young. Bedtime stories. As many of you Mums will recognise the grateful sound of the key in the door, as your husband walks in and you hand "his children" over to him and walk, no run away, lock yourself in the sitting room and switch on neighbours.

Colin was good at this time. He enjoyed the bedtime stories. Yes really. I wasn't too good at them and hated when the children were old enough to recognise that I had skipped pages.

Colin made them up. Loads of different ones. The girls loves it, one in particular came to mind.

The girl who didn't get invited to parties-

Once upon a time there was a little girl who lived in a house with her Mum and Dad and her sisters. Her name was Josie McNaughty. She was a strange little thing who would nip and bully her sisters. She would steal their toys and spoil their games. She would tell tales and smile as they were told off.

At school she was made milk monitor, but she pulled the other girls pig tails and made them cry. She tripped them up in the playground and told on them if they came back into the classroom late.

But then she realised she was not invited to their birthday parties. She was not invited round to tea and nobody wanted to be her best friend. She was a very lonely girl....

I think my girls listened as they always had lovely friends and always were at the parties. But as Colin says, there is always a Josie McNaughty in your life.

Sleepovers and sleepless night...

Another sleepless night, the thought of Colin lying there alone filled my every thought. I know he is in good hands, but he is so very vulnerable. I hate it. He hates it. Again, I need him home.

One of the patients with a similar injury to Colin was sent home on a day pass. Yes, all you boarding school Mums out there, you will understand an exeat, released from the institution. He lives just 4 miles from us, but his region seems to be more organised. Anyways, his wife and children were excited beyond words. The big day came. The sleep over was planned. The ambulance took him and on arrival, a squad of people traipsed about doing the necessary. Carers, district nurses, a doctor. No stone was left unturned. Furniture was moved, bed delivered and equipment sourced.

Their home and their lives once again turned upside down. The wife said that she was traumatised by so many strangers in their home. They are there to help, but your private life is no longer private.

The patient too felt traumatised. Although they had looked forward to the sleepover for ages, he felt that he never saw more than two minutes of his family alone and went to bed early as the days excitement took hold.

He returned to Glasgow the following day, the next visit to be arranged soon.

All very scary. But it is one day that I pray for every night. I don't care how many people come through my home. I don't care what equipment clutters our house. All I know is that there will be five very happy people in Broomhills Farmhouse that night.

Sunday

Mixed emotions today. Colin has been into the Phillipshill Ward. This is good news as they obviously feel that he is well enough to not need intensive care anymore, but scary. Very Scary.

He will no longer have the one to one care that he has grown to depend on. Therefore he has entered the world of rehabilitation.

He is in the respiratory care ward. Six people all battling to return to the real world. A buzzer placed under his pillow to attract the nurses. Will they come? Only time will tell! A question that went through my mind as they explained to him the technique. I was reluctant to leave. Louise and I had read him the papers, told him the stories from her nursery nativity play. Massaged and manipulated limbs and fingers, but eventually we had to leave him to his new regime. I don't know who was more scared, me or him. I was not leaving him in the individual care of Gavin, Cameron, Yvonne or many of the nurses we had grown to know and depend on over the weeks. No, now he was a small fish in a big bowl.

Louise and I drove home, and both shed a tear. A large Range Rover passed me and memories of Colin in his beloved machine came to mind. But Colin was never just a machine person, he is my husband, my girls Dad and he is still here. So Range Rovers are in the past and surviving is the future, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Friday

Please don’t read this if you have had a couple of glasses of wine, or feeling down, as this has been a bad day.

Ok, I’m probably feeling sorry for myself but hey, sometimes I cant help it. I’m not really sorry for me, I’m just tired. “Tiredness can kill” read the sign on the M8 as I drove home, tears rolling down my cheeks.

Doris Day’s Christmas CD playing. During ‘driving home for christmas’ I thought “Ok, now I’m really depressed.”

It has been a really bad day. Work- enough said Move on.

Arrived at the Southern. Colin was sleeping. He was tired, busy morning of physio and all sorts. His personal care need catered for by girls not much older than his own. He copes well, never moans. He lets me do that for him! Bowel, bladder, all controlled. Pain meds administered. Not a single function is now his own.

Colin was in great pain today. How can something he cannot feel cause so much misery?

He is now eating. Sludge. This has to be the way as he has not swallowed in 12 weeks and had to work up to eating solids. But the worst part for him, has to be that I now feed him. Not easy for either of us. But he handles it with dignity. That’s my Colin.

Diasopan is administered as his SATS had fallen. Two nurses manipulated his chest to rid him of congestion.

He settled and I left. Tiredness does not kill in this situation, but it definitely makes the whole day a lot worse.

But tomorrow will be better. I will sleep tonight and Colin will be there tomorrow. Life will go on.

Tuesday- One Digit at a time

Ok. I have a confession to make- since the magical day of the Dr Purcel doing the finger dance to tell me that Colin's fingers had moved, I had not actually seen them do so until Tuesday. Sometimes when Colin does something, i.e. move toes/or ankles, he doesn't do them for me. I think he is worried that if I ask him and he isn't able to do it then we would both be disappointed. So I don't ask and he doesn't offer.

Anyway, Dr Purcell's Tuesday visit coincided with the physio, all good, chest clear breathing etc. And then the question, "hows the movement in the fingers" blank expressions. Hmmm. The physio said she had been working mostly on his chest to help off the vent.

Dr Purcell said "Colin, move your fingers." Well you don't argue with this consultant. Colin duly obeyed. Fingers, not all but some are definitely moving. I was even given a demonstration. They definitely move. Another major achievement. So Colin is gaining strength. He is gradually building up his talking time. I nearly cried yesterday when I asked him how long the valve had been on for? "Quite a while," he replied"but I had nobody to talk to." Bless.

Melissa, middle child, was there to support me yesterday. We oooed and ahhhed at Colin's moving digits. We discussed menus for him. Now the cuff on the trachi is down, he is to wean back onto solid foods. Custards, yoghurt, soups were discussed. Much to his horror, bar soup, he never eats any of the above. The soups on offer at the hospital all have onions. For any of you who have been kind enough to have us for dinner will know, Colin cannot eat onions, milk or citrus. Well flasks are now to be bought and "Delia of Broomhills" will emerge. I wonder if you can mash smoked salmon.

Technology Arrives at the Southern-

Susan Sykes' generous gift of an Amazon Kindle caused great excitement in Glasgow yesterday. Word spread rapidly and a flurry of staff flitted in and out to wonder at this new phenomena! Now they just have to master how to work it!!

Monday- On the night before Christmas....

Can't believe I'm even contemplating Christmas, but life goes on. I have the girls, you would think they were toddlers. So stocking have to be arranged, trees bought. Not our 7ft monstrosity this year though. I have put my foot down. How many years have I watched Colin saw and chip away at these monsters to make them fit in our box and stand up straight.

The Christmas Tree Adventures:

One year we lashed one to the sides of a play pen. This was to stop it being pulled over on our crawler, Shelley. Yes. The tree was in the play pen. The child left outside the play pen to crawl around and stick her finger in all of the available sockets. Oh what fun.

There was the the year that the girls took Louise's yellow peugot and went "searching" for one. Colin, axe in hand. Well they "found" one. Just lurking at the side of the road, "Looking very lonely." So they cut it down, and Shelley and the other vandal, Christine, sat in the boot and held on to it while Louise drove it home, hysterical in the front.

Then there was the year that Hamish, one of Shelley's boyfriends, was traipsed around the garden centre, as the girls made him show them lots of trees. He was at one point seen walking around with two trees in tow, neither eventually purchased, but to stop the women who had been following them absconding with chosen ones.

The following year Colin came home to find the tree fully decorated, but no lights, as I had to see it done. The lights were broken (as always) so it was fully dismantled and re-arranged as soon as new lights were sourced.

Oh yes, happy memories.

Colin is still vent free. Temperature stable and smiling. Even chortling at some of our stories now. He will be enthralled to hear the Christmas tree saga of 2009. In 2010, the poor sod will be there, listening to our children (Louise, may I add is 26 married and has her own home) decide on the tree, and their method, this year, of obtaining it.

Part 3 of 3: Shirley

May I introduce one of my bestest chums, Shirley. She lives within the Scone Palace Estate. She has two beautiful daughters, is a marvellous hostess and cook. The, "you are just about to eat a coronary on a plate" to die for White Chocolate cheese cake will stand testament to that. She throws polo parties that are legendary, Gin and Tonics that will fell you, ball parties for the young- the list goes on. But last summer she too stood in an ICU, Dundee Ninewells this time. Praying and negotiating with God.

Stacey, her eldest, had a marvellous speciman of the equine world, "Buzz". A giant of a horse, an eventer. Stacey was a horsewomen. Not a polo women like her sister Abby, but eventing. Solid monsters of jumps, dressage to negotiate and then the relatively safe jumping.

Buzz was amazing, dressage was to be worked on. But oh my those jumps, well they held no challenge.

Stacey was enthralled with him from the beginning, he was boxed up and brought home to the "factors house". Many hours spent hacking and jumping in the many acres. Much time spent perfecting her dressage discipline.

Stacey had not long graduated from St Andrews, bright girl, now ensconced in a large firm as a graduate trainee, doing some kind of fund/stock thing. You can tell I'm up on the technical things. Well thought of, brilliant career assured, game fairs, balls, right boots and all (Dubarrys of course). This girl has it all.

Then one afternoon, I took the call. "Charlotte, Stacey has had an accident on Buzz. She is in ICU in Dundee. She is in an induced coma."

Time stood still. Shirley had entered her own nightmare. Her beautiful daughter lay hooked up to machines.

The days passed, tests done, Shirley was strong. She battled the medical opinions, answers sought, was there damage. A head injury, the very worst. Only time could tell. Shirley fought every minute with Stacey. But Stacey fought the hardest.

I apologise Shirley. I didn't know the hell that you went through. We all thought of you and Stacey, we all prayed, we all thought we knew what you were going through. But we didn't. The weeks passes, she amazed them all. She came round, signs were good, medical staff cautious, she kept going. Milestones were passed slowly but surely, Shirley's beautiful child returned to her. A weekend home turned to a week, turned into a month. Test were taken to find out the extent of any damage.

We all got on with life. I'm sorry Shirley. Sorry that our lives seemed unaffected. But she came back and more!

110%, living the good life in the fast lane in London. Parties, balls, new chums. Fab new career in the city. All she wanted is now at her feet. Onwards and upwards. The time in hospital a distant memory. Consultants amazed, friends and family grateful.

And for Shirley, well a little bit of her must have died that awful day. The little bit of you that protects your very being. But she is strong. She, like me, would fight to the death for the ones she loves. And so she did. Abby and Stacey are her testament.

I take my hat off to you Shirley. You were one of the first to phone me, you were the one to say " you can do this, you will do this" at the time when I needed it most. You were and are a constant e-mail connection. But I just want to say sorry Shirley. Because no matter how much I thought I knew your hell, I wasn't even close.